I legit lost my head with Vince. Big time.
I don't really spank / hit very often. Usually the threat alone is enough to correct behavior. I do, however, tend to yell. I get very loud with Vince, but usually it's simply an attempt to get him to focus on my voice because he has such a difficult time prioritizing sounds.
This time, however, it was because I was angry, tired, frustrated, upset and weak. Not only did I yell at him, I got in his face while doing it. He just sat in his chair, backing away from me, looking incredibly upset as he took the verbal backhand without a word. When I finished my verbal tirade, I sent him upstairs because I was frankly disgusted (likely with myself more than with him).
To be honest, I don't even remember what he'd done that finally made me blow a fuse. Not that it matters - he's six. It's not HIS fault I lost my temper; it's MY fault. So after giving myself a couple minutes to calm down, I went upstairs to apologize. I found him on his bed crying, and I 120% deserve to carry the heartbreak that caused me for the rest of my life. Immediately, I pulled him onto my lap and said, "Vincent, I'm so, so sorry. Mommy never should have yelled at you like that. I love you so much, and I hurt you, and I'm so sorry. I don't ever want to hurt your feelings like this. That was very, very wrong of me. I'm so sorry."
And do you know what he did? He wrapped his arms around me and sobbed harder. His tears and snot were wet against my neck, but I didn't care. I rocked him back and forth to soothe the heart I'd broken. I told him over and over again how sorry I was. I told him that I was wrong to yell like that. I told him that I wanted to help his heart feel better because I'd been so mean to hurt it.
He looked up at me and said, "It's okay, Mommy." But he went right back to sobbing. I asked him, "Why are you crying? Is it because your heart still hurts?" He shook his head no. So I asked him to tell me why. He said, "Mommy, you're gonna go to Hell. I don't want you to go to Hell. You have to go to Heaven with me."
It was as if I was hearing God, Himself, warn me of just how terrible my sin was. And I truly believe yelling at him in that manner was a mortal sin, especially because of how much it hurt Vince.
So I promised Vince that I would do better. I promised him that I'd do my very best never to yell like that ever again. In truth, I think I'll be able to keep that promise - even when he's 14 and slamming doors in my face. I don't ever want to be the cause of his little heart breaking ever again, and I certainly don't want to cause myself to miss out on him in Eternity.
It also made me realize that I have to keep working at forgiving his father, because if Vince would shed tears thinking about a Heaven without me, he'd shed them thinking about Heaven without him, too.
I am not worthy of this little boy. By the grace of God, may I one day be the mother he deserves. Until then, I pray the Blessed Mother will make up for all that I lack.