I've been trying really hard to work on this. I've asked for graces to overcome it, and I've resolved myself not to let this anger get the better of me. Unfortunately, get the better of me it did yesterday and I've come to realize that in my selfish pride, I haven't been honest with myself in my desires to kick this habit. There is still a piece of me that feels entitled to fits of rage. There's a part of my brain that feels justified in my vengeful, angry vents.
I think these outbursts are my subconscious way of over-compensating for my own failings. For example, this most recent outburst was directed at my husband. He had asked me to do something for him while he was on vacation, and I did it. It turns out I hadn't done it exactly as he had requested, and as a result, something got a little fudged. Instead of immediately recognizing my mistake and apologizing, I apologized and then made an excuse for myself in an attempt to lighten the load of responsibility.
Knowing my M.O., John grew slightly agitated and demanded a proper apology that cited full responsibility for my actions. I immediately blew a fuse. You see, we were on our way to enjoy lunch together after having been apart for a week. I had been looking forward to reconnecting with my husband, so to have him stir up trouble en route to this wonderful little outing drove me nuts.
Unfortunately, I made a bad situation worse by allowing my temper to get the better of me. I swung the car around and basically kicked him out, not wanting to look at him let alone share lunch. Ugh. I know this was wrong. Really, really wrong. Especially since it was my fault in the first place for not simply owning up to the error I made. The problem is, I felt justified in my anger because I felt he was wrong to have pressed the issue when we were on our way to a nice lunch, especially since I had offered a sincere apology.
Again, I realize how wrong I was. Immediately upon getting angry I realized I was wrong, but that didn't prevent me from angrily stiffing him for the rest of the ride.
I went home for the rest of my lunch period to simply lie down (being this angry typically wipes me out for a good 20 minutes). When I made my way back to work, I asked Jesus to forgive me for my stupidity and give me the grace to apologize to John. And I did... as soon as I saw him. For those of you who know me, apologies aren't exactly my strong-suit. But like I said... I'm a work in progress, and this is one of those vices that REALLY grabs hold of me.
Any thoughts on good strategies to boot this sort of behavior? 'Cause unfortunately it isn't only John who bears the brunt... poor Vince tastes this type of insane wrath for the stupidest things, too. Say some prayers for me, folks... I need patience and humility.