Grinchy No More

What started out as a super easy pregnancy took a nose dive a few months ago.

For the record, I absolutely adore children. That being said, I ABHOR being pregnant.  The women who run around all glowy and saying, "I love being pregnant" instantly get side-eye from me (my own sister included).  Ha ha.  It just doesn't compute given all the physical challenges that come with growing a human for 9+ months.

Regardless, this particular pregnancy really tried giving me a run for my money:

• I developed ocular migraines (something I'd never experienced prior)
• Exhaustion levels were THROUGH THE ROOF (or I guess through the floor)
• My blood pressure went from normal to "Are you smoking weed before coming in for every visit?" low
• Almost had my gallbladder removed (still might have to do that)
  • Was given morphine and way too much Tylenol which freaked me out because I was worried about the adverse effects on Luca
• Had an emergency root canal because of an unknown abscess that turned into a bone infection
• Failed my glucose test
• Switched providers because my old one suggested I abort Luca at 11 weeks because there was something "off" about the NIPT test
  • For the record, he was perfectly fine; the NIPT just needed to be redone
• Picked up a bad viral infection that had me in bed w/ a terrible fever and chills for almost a full week
• Picked up RSV that had me coughing so hard I actually broke my ribs (well, one is broken, the other is fractured)
• Was so dehydrated that I was going in pretty much daily for IV fluids to help build back the amniotic fluid I was losing
• Lost all my pregnancy weight PLUS some
• SPD (Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction) reared early because my body apparently gets overly enthusiastic about having babies
  • This means sleep, which is already at a premium due to Nico refusing to sleep through the night, is at best a fairytale

I could probably go on, but suffice to say that this pregnancy has been relatively miserable, especially when you throw in the fact that I'm working full time and juggling three other children who rely on me.  

That said, I recognize that this is a season.  I was lucky enough that I was able to bond quickly with my other three children while they were growing inside me.  This time around, I struggled with guilt that I didn't have that same experience with Luca.  Logically, I understood that this happens, especially when you have a zillion environmental forces working against you.  I knew that the moment he was born, everything would be fine and so I gave myself the grace to trust in the future.

However, everything changed yesterday when I went in for my growth scan.  Because of all the health problems I had gone through, my docs wanted to ensure my fluids were back to a normal level and the high fevers/treatments for gallbladder hadn't had any impact on Luca's growth.

As soon as she put the wand to my belly, his heart popped up on the monitor.  I'm not kidding.  That was the very first thing she happened upon as she got her bearings, and I could see it beating strong and fast on the screen in front of me.  She didn't even have to tell me what I was looking at - it was like I was looking at my own soul.  My son's heartbeat flickering on the screen, and I felt like I could see ALL of him.  It's hard to describe, but all the "grinchy" feelings I have had this whole pregnancy immediately fled.  It was as though my heart grew so large that is pushed everything out except my love for him.

Then she started looking around for his face and we came upon his profile.  We weren't disappointed!

Seeing how much he'd grown since his last ultrasound... I almost couldn't believe it.  Even with him being my fourth son, it was still a sacred, mystical moment that boggled my mind.  But there he was, in all his juicy-lipped glory.  We were able to make out the fuzzy hair he already has, he gave us a BIG yawn, sucked his thumb for a spell, and did his best to push the wand out of the technician's hand.  He was even kind enough to give several full-sized kicks that stretched him off-screen!  It was incredible!

He's measuring about a week ahead and all his vitals are solid.  And from the profile shot, I can already see a lot of Nico in him which means Daddy's gonna have another twin.  Ha ha!

But it's just so incredible to me how my entire outlook did a complete 180 upon seeing him.  All the pain, illness, exhaustion, and anxiety of the last few months were instantly gone- extinguished by the immense love and gratitude I felt.  The bonding that I didn't think would happen until I held him in my arms came flooding to me all at once.  It was overwhelming and apparently I'm still riding that oxytocin high today.

As I always say, folks, God is good.  He truly, truly is.

PS - Shout out to my bonus bestie, Meg, for pointing out the "Grinch" connection.  It perfectly encapsulated how I felt this whole time.  Ha ha!