I feel like I've got Jesus-block.
Every time I try to write a blog topic regarding religion, every time I try to read a religious based book, every time I try to work up the desire to trek over to the church I've been meaning to post on for a while because of all their gorgeous artwork... I just can't do it. It's not like I'm repulsed by the idea. I WANT to do all of these things. I just can't get passed this overwhelming sense of "blah" about it.
I realize like that makes me sound like a terrible person, but it gets worse.
For the last three weeks, I've had to force myself to go to Mass. Truth be told, my guardian angel was likely the one doing the forcing. If you could see the inner-workings of my struggle, you'd've seen me as a tantrum-throwing child being ear-pulled by her guardian angel to Mass.
The same is true for prayer. I just don't want to do it. Even my random conversations that I have throughout the day with God and Mary. Poof - gone. The thought of doing it actually makes my eyes roll.
That's TERRIBLE to admit, right?
But I'm admitting it because I'm at a loss. I get that sometimes we go through periods of spiritual dryness and all, but I almost feel like a pregnant woman who can't stand to be in the same room as a pork roast because the smell makes her want to vomit.
Even now I'm rolling my eyes. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what else to do other than own up to the fact that I've got a slight aversion to all things religious and I need to own it and move on.
A friend of mine suggested that my fervor has finally run its course. Even my husband suggested that I'm religion-ed out given that I now work for the Archdiocese and have a regular outlet for religion.
I refuse to accept that, though. I don't dislike my faith. I don't feel less Catholic. I don't feel bored about Catholicism or find it any less exciting to share with others I just...
Man, I really don't know how to explain this, and I sorta want to delete this entry since anyone reading it is likely going "Whoa there, Gina... you've got a bit of ADHD going on with all the jumping around."
I apologize. I really do. I'm just trying to get this all out there because maybe it's the first step in sorting myself out. I do tend to find writing therapeutic.
I actually thought to myself, Sweet. Maybe God didn't think I needed Confession afterall. I'll just pray a few Hail Marys with everyone and then I'll sneak back out before the Vigil begins.
God had other plans.
It was as if someone tapped the priest on the shoulder. I kid you not, the man did NOT see me come in and kneel all the way in back of the church. How could he? He was all the way up in the front praying the rosary.
But his guardian angel must've gotten the nod from my guardian angel, because Father looked up as if someone tapped him, turned his head and looked DIRECTLY AT ME and then motioned for me to come see him.
I actually pretended not to see him. I'm not a regular parishioner in the slightest, so I just ducked my head and ignored him. Isn't that terrible?! Again, forgive me, but it's true. I just hoped he'd ignore whatever impulse had beckoned him to seek me out.
Again, God had other plans.
A few moments later, one of the ushers tapped me on the shoulder. He said, "Miss, if you're here for Confession, Father said he'd take you now. He still has time before Mass."
UGHHHHH - Seriously, God? C'mon now. But alright. Fine. Obviously You do think I need some 1:1 time in the box.
So I detached myself from the pew that I was firmly rooted in. I think the only thing that got me walking towards the Confessional was the fact that I was embarrassed for having been singled out - twice - and I was afraid that if God had to single me out again, He'd be going Old Testament style with fire and lightning.
I went and made my confession, but the entire time I was thinking I don't want to be here, I don't want to be doing this, I really hate this, why am I doing this?
I even said to Father that I was having a really tough time wanting to pray. I felt like my feelings were shameful and terrible because all God asks is for me to talk to Him now and again. It's not like He's looking for animal sacrifices or these huge shows of affection. He just wants me to love Him as best I can because He loves me so much. So for me to not even want to talk to Him... that's just really, really mean, right?
Father made some suggestions, and I'd like to say that with absolution everything was instantly better.
Obviously I'm still struggling with my own spirituality right now. I'm sure it'll work itself out, but I haven't felt this distant from God since I've actively worked against Him in college.
What I do know, though, is that this little test of faith, endurance, patience or whatever can't last forever (right?). So I guess I just have to suck it up and offer it back to God for whatever it is He's got in mind.
I don't like it. I really don't like it. But man if He isn't persistent.