At some point in High School, I became ashamed of my sins. So ashamed, in fact, that I turned from the Church and made excuses as to why I shouldn't attend Mass. I wasn't worthy, I thought. That opened the door for doubts to seep in. Did I even believe this stuff that had been taught to me all my life? Did the Catholic Church really have the authority to tell me how to live my life? Pfft - I was a teenager. Of COURSE the Church had no say. I was Queen of my own World, and I could pray to God without the help of stuffy old guys who didn't know the first thing about what it was like to live in my world!
So off I went on my own, though not totally, as I still carried with me my devotion to the
Blessed Mother, special saints, and my belief in certain aspects of the faith. I turned a blind eye to those evils that I openly tolerated- even fostered. I was enjoying life, but I admit there was always a persistent loneliness. Something deep was missing, and though I knew the Church was where I belonged, I ignored my lamenting heart and persisted in my foolishness.
God was good, though. At the crucial time that I walked away from Him, He sent someone who would become my 1st Spiritual Director. I didn't realize it at the time (in fact, it was only recently that it dawned on me), but she was the life-preserver that the Blessed Mother tossed my way in an attempt to draw me back from the waves of sin that engulfed every aspect of my life. I am eternally grateful. It may have taken over 10 years of her constant guidance and prayer, but I can undoubtedly say she was a driving force in pulling my soul back to the Church. So thank you, God, for your Mercy and Wisdom in sending her to me, and thank you, too, Blessed Mother, as I know your intercession for me helped secure that grace for my soul.
This year, during Lent, as I was researching one of the multitude of Marian apparitions she described to me, I hit on a particular message. I won't relay which, but suffice to say the Blessed Mother asked repeatedly for the Rosary to be said. So, to honor the Blessed Mother's wishes, I dusted off a Rosary (which I haven't prayed in YEARS) and gave it a go. I had to have a booklet open the whole time - that's how long it's been since I've prayed the Rosary.
Anyway, in that one Rosary (specifically the Sorrowful Mysteries in accordance with Lent), I was converted back to the Church - I call that one Rosary my "Conversion Rosary." I can't describe it, but the emotions that flooded me during the recitation and meditations were so strong that I couldn't close my heart to His Love. The next few days passed in a flurry of research. I read about traditions I'd cast aside. I delved into dogma and practices that have been forgotten by many Catholics. I went to my "Spiritual Director" with question upon question upon question, constantly seeking a greater understanding so that I might live in total obedience to the Catholic Church (and as such, Jesus Christ). I prayed - hard - for guidance and mercy. I picked up audio CDs from my local Church so I could hear sermons and presentations given by our most respected theologians. My insatiable desire to better understand and share my Catholic faith was immense! Padre Pio wasn't kidding when he called the Rosary "The Weapon." Sheesh!
But now, here I am, and I am attempting to mend my broken fiat. I wish to say "Yes" to God's Divine Will always, to glorify and praise His Merciful and Holy Name, but I've come to find myself lacking in so many ways. So here I am. I will share my broken fiat with you in the hopes that all of us, together, can send Him our imperfect offerings through His Son, the Perfect Offering, in the hopes that He make them unbroken and perfect in the Sight of His Father.