Love Really Does Make Us Do Insane Stuff

I love my husband, people.  It sometimes feels outright insane to me how much I love him because it's just not something I've ever really witnessed or experienced growing up.

Growing up, I'd heard the saying "I love you more every day" and always thought that was such a silly phrase.  Something impossible or only really obtained when you are like 80.  In my mind (and experience), "love" was a fleeting feeling that couldn't be relied on.  It was useful to set the stage for practicalities like marriage and family, but something reliable?  Something to lean into and grow with and be changed by?

Nah.  That's fairytale nonsense.

Until Chris.  And I can't figure out if it's because my friendship with Chris set the stage for our relationship or if it's just that we're so well-paired.  Regardless, I adore this man, and I can honestly say that I somehow manage to love him more each and every day.

I was talking to some friends of mine today.  We're on a group chat- just the three of us.  We check in on each other once a week.  We used to work together, but over the last couple months, major changes set us each on different paths.  One of us is still at the office, one of us is on maternity leave (that'd be me), and one of us left altogether and is now a stay at home mom to her new baby girl.

They were teasing me about still being pregnant with Luca and how this should be the last time I'd ever "have to be pregnant" again.  Truth be told, I despise (DESPISE) being pregnant.  I know some women are all hearts and flowers during this stage, but I abhor just about every part of it.  God forgive me, because I know plenty of women who would kill to be in this position (I used to be one of them!), but truth is true.  I hate pregnancy in all its stages.

That said, I love children.  I always said if I could skip the pregnancy part, I'd have like 10 kids by now, especially knowing that Chris is on-board.  He has always been upfront about his desire for a large family, and it's something that's always endeared him to me.

Chris and I have had this conversation several times, even throughout this pregnancy.  He's still on board for trying again, but also recognizes the physical/psychological/emotional toll pregnancy takes on me.  He swears that if I decided to stop at Luca, he'd be content with our family as is.  However, if I were to entertain the notion of trying again, he'd be just as happy.

I said that trying to make a call like that while in the midst of a particularly rough pregnancy probably wasn't the best time to do so.  I suggested we revisit after I've had a few months to recoup.

The truth, though, is that I already know what my answer is going to be.  It's the same answer I've always had to situations like this: leave it up to God.  Because I love this man, I know I'd be willing to do this all over again to bring forth another child.  I'd endure the sleepless nights, the chronic pain, the inability to breathe, the exhaustive appointments, the non-stop peeing, and all the other irritating and physically demanding parts of creating and growing life.  I'd do it all to give him (and my boys) the gift of another heart to love and be loved by.  While my boys don't recognize the gift that subsequent siblings are, eventually, they will.

And this is what I mean when I say that love will legitimately make us do insane things.  I'm almost 40.  I always said I wanted to be done having kids by 40, and Luca's arriving under the wire.  Being open to life and the Will of God means being open to things that I hadn't foreseen or hadn't thought I wanted for myself.  And for Chris, I know that I will absolutely be willing to try again, but in leaving it to God, He'll have the final say.  So when I get pressure from others about Luca being my last, I always just roll my eyes.

Their fears around parenthood/pregnancy/etc are their baggage, not mine, and I'm grateful to have a husband I love enough (and who loves me enough) to trust that God'll work out the details that are best for our family.

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