I understand that sometimes, we all enjoy wallowing in self-pity or some form of "I-suck-at-life" self-inflicted abuse, but I stumbled upon some information that felt like a sucker-punch to my gut. I've been bumbling around ever since and haven't been able to shake this absolute defeat I feel. Basically, it's like I'm constantly "waiting for the other shoe to drop" I guess. I dunno.
Last night, I couldn't stop torturing myself with various scenarios that inevitably led me into a deeper sense of self-loathing. I began impressing myself with inventive ways of concluding that I was a failure at everything I've ever attempted.
Then I realized something...
I was under attack. I was willfully allowing these whispers of satan to penetrate my heart and force my mind into a state of despair. Instead of being grateful for those blessings I'd been given, I was twisting them into loathsome atrocities. I was even creating impossible scenarios in my head that ONLY served to make me feel more crestfallen. Worst of all, instead of feeling able to release the grievances and offer them up for some greater purpose, I'd retreated so far into myself that I'd refused to entertain the idea that Jesus was able and willing to remove the burden.
Like I said... sometimes we just really like sitting in our own misery, and it dawned on me why. Misery loves company, and who could possibly be more miserable than satan? Mind you, I'm certainly not blaming my bout with depression on the devil, but I have no doubt that he plants little seeds in my mind that spring to life just in time to take advantage of the crappy situations I sometimes find myself in.
So, here I am. I'm still hurt, saddened and yes, even depressed, but I'm not despairing. I'm not going to continue fertilizing those little seeds of doubt and frustration. I'm going to simply offer that which I do have (and right now, I guess it's a whole lot of blah), and gift it to God in the hopes that He does something better with it than I could. At this point, it's all I can do.