A couple nights ago, I said to Chris, "Ya know, if I were to die tomorrow, while it would never be enough, it WOULD be enough. I just love you so much, and I'm so happy, and life is just amazing, so if I had to die, I feel like meh... I'd been more than blessed."
He laughed but said I'd better not have any intentions of leaving him alone to raise the boys, himself. I laughed, too, and said, "No, but I have to admit feeling like there's something coming. If this were a movie, things usually hit the fan precisely when everyone's happiest!"
He said I was nuts and we went back to our laptops.
Welp, today I received a cancer diagnosis. Go figure, right? I actually felt a bit of relief when the doctor came in to give me the news, because I really was anxious waiting for that other shoe to drop, ya know? I chuckled when he said it, not because I thought it was funny, but because I immediately thought back to what I'd said just a couple nights ago and thought the situation should make its way into Alanis Morissette's song Ironic.
I told Chris and a few close friends who I knew would add it to their intentions. I also told John because I knew I'd have to have the conversation with Vince and Nate, and while their father is still wholly incapable of having any sort of discussion appropriately, *I* know the proper order of operations. One day, God willing, he will, too. Chris has written off any expectation of him growing up and has repeatedly suggested I do the same. Alas, I have to hope that one day, he'll stop being so cowardly when it comes to tough conversations. Pretty soon, tough conversations are all that'll be on the table for two teenaged boys.
I did have the conversation with the boys tonight. Compounding the conversation was news that we'd also have to euthanize our house panther, Zoey. I felt terrible, because who wants to start their weekend off with that? Bah. But Chris and I are both big believers in facing challenges head-on and with honesty. And since the prognosis (for me) is relatively good, I figured if they were going to be introduced to cancer, it ought to be with a case like mine. Hopefully, when they're inevitably faced with cancer again, they'll be able to face it with experience, wisdom and courage.
The conversation went as well as one could hope. Poor Vince immediately thought I was dying and tried to keep himself as even-keeled as possible. Emotions, after all, are embarrassing to a teenage boy. Ha ha. I immediately assured him that I wasn't dying and that doctors think I've got a really good chance at getting better. Nate was really upset and began to cry. He was scared but didn't want to admit to it. I sat with him and just hugged him, telling him that it was okay to be scared. He was also really sad about Zoey, and I told him it was okay to be sad, too. Losing a loved family pet sucks, especially when that pet is such a doll. Zoey is a miracle cat and we all just sorta expected her to outlive us all. Alas, she's being called home to keep a spot warm for us.
Here are some photos of Zoey with her best boy, Vince. She's been sleeping by his side ever since he was a baby. When I was pregnant with him, she used to sit on top of my belly waiting for him to arrive. They've been inseparable ever since, and she's been such a good friend to him.
I'll be going back next week to figure out a game plan of what's next in terms of treatment options. For now, I'm just going to enjoy my amazing kids, my impossibly wonderful husband, and the immeasurable blessings we've all been given, because God is good. In all things, God is good.
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