I've reached out to a few friends, but I don't know what to say when they write back. I feel like a terrible person for not responding, but I honestly feel like a whiny, broken record. I don't like to continue harping on the same frustrating upset. So I just don't say anything because it feels more efficient that way. I just feel sorta bad that these folks probably feel like they've said something wrong or done something for me to alienate them.
It's not them, though. It really is me. I don't even blog on here much anymore because it seems relatively pointless. What news do I have to report?
My husband is still acting like he's already divorced me. He still has shown little to no regard for the fact that I'm carrying the son he asked for. I'm still doing anything but bed rest because someone has to put the house together for the children. I'm also still feeling incredibly alienated and ostracized from family and friends in general because so few know about what's going on.
God help me, I've even turned away from my duties as a Catholic. Mass? What's that? I want to go, but I don't feel like I should. How awful is that? I realize I've now put myself into mortal sin, but given the fact that my entire life feels like one black hole, why shouldn't my soul match?
Logically, I realize the devil has sorta won me over, but I haven't given up my faith. I just know that I'm in a terrible, terrible place and I'm not ready to reach out to the Hand of God that's constantly reaching out for me.
I hurt. I physically, spiritually, emotionally and psychologically hurt. I fully understand that this is depression, but at this point, there's not a whole heck of a lot I feel I can do about it. I think I just gotta ride the wave until, eventually, I wash up on shore somewhere.