When John solidified his stance on the divorce, I knew I only had a brief span of time to get things in order so he didn't indefinitely stretch the time frame.
He agreed to take the $30k meant for a down-payment on his parents' home and, instead, put it towards all the renovations in our own home that he's neglected these last 8 years. So, to ensure that things actually started happening, I had contractors out the wazoo coming to give me estimates on stuff. When I wasn't talking with contractors, I was looking up stuff online to see how much things like faucets, vanities, carpet and tile cost. It took me about 3 weeks of research, but I got the number down from $30k to about $18k for the whole house - that includes 2 completely new bathrooms, paint throughout, carpeting / laminate throughout, exterior updates and general updates.
The renovations started on June 8th. In order to get as much done as quickly as possible (because again, not only is the baby arriving in July, but John tends to push off everything), I'm having everything done one after another. The whole house will be complete (hopefully) by July 2nd.
That's right - 8 years of pushed-off work will be completed in less than one month because I was finally given the green light to get them done.
Anyway, since the painters are coming to resurface what used to be our master bedroom walls to make them ready for Nathan on Monday, I reminded him that he needed to clear out the bedroom. He called a couple friends over and this is what I came home to after Mass. I admit, it hurt so much more than I expected.
It looked like the room had been absolutely ransacked. The "stuff" in the corner is basically all I have for Nathan at this point. As I looked around, there was trash strewn everywhere. He had likely gone through drawers / the closet and just tossed to the side stuff that wasn't "his." And of course, at the end of the clip is a shot of my wedding dress, hanging - forlorn - on the back of the door.
I closed the door, went across the hall to Vincent's room, sat on his empty bed, and sobbed. That room looked exactly as I felt - ravaged, torn apart, dirty and "left over." I know this might sound strange, but looking at that room was like looking at my soul.
I didn't know what to do or who to share my brokenness with, so I reached out to my CathSo family for support. Oh, what brokenness.
However, I knew this was the only way to move on. I had known it would be difficult, brutal and messy, but I also knew it was necessary. I stand by that.
I cleared the rest of the room and when John came back, had him remove the trash and move Nate's stuff to temporary storage in Vince's room. Then, I closed the bedroom door. I will not open it again until the painters have finished resurfacing and painting the walls. I shut the door on my past and will not open that door until it becomes the image of my future. By the end of this week, it will be. It will no longer represent my ravaged heart; it will represent the blessing God has laid out before me in Nathan.
The title of that entry will undoubtedly be "Behold, I make all things new."
Amen, Lord. That is why we must thank Him even amidst our tears, for He can see beyond them.