Color Me Scared - and Doped Up

Got any room under that paper for me?

It's just after midnight and I can't sleep.  I have no idea why.  I've taken the full dose of percoset, the ibuprofen, and the two little antibiotic pill thingies.  I can definitely feel myself in a half "Am I really here, or am I just imagining myself doing this" state. 

But I still can't sleep.

I've gotta go to the dentist later on today, and I am absolutely scared out of my mind.

I still have this huge lump on my face that's been drained twice now.  Though my eye and neck have gotten better, this lump in my cheek will simply not quit, and I'm terrified they're going to open the other tooth on this side of my face in order to try again.

I don't know if I'm cold, anxious, or fighting off the effects of the medicine, but I cannot stop shaking right now!

Ugh - I went and pulled a Mary (I'm blaming this on you, Mar, simply because it makes me feel better... lol).  I looked up "cheek abscess" on Youtube and got exactly what I was looking for.  Since this particular problem still hasn't gone away, I can't imagine what else it could be.  There's always MRSA.  But this abscess scenario is a lot more likely which means they're probably going to have to give me another dry socket in order to help alleviate the infection.  Either that, or they'll simply cut open my face and allow it to drain that way.

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.  I am so freaking out right now! 

With all the times I've been to the doctor for fun stuff like spinal headaches, kidney stones, or even child-birth, I was never really nervous.  I just wanted to get whatever the necessary procedures were done and over with as quickly as possible.  There were no nerves.  Just the calm understanding that these things were important and conducive to my overall well-being. 

Even understanding that these things might very well be necessary, and obviously good for my overall health, I am STILL freaking out.  Dental procedures just have that effect!

When I was about... I guess about 7ish?  Yeah, let's go with seven.  My brother knocked out part of my front tooth.  My mom took me to a dentist to get it capped.  It was a horrific experience.  He was super mean, I felt like I was suffocating the whole time, he was obviously annoyed at my attempts to breathe, and everything he did hurt.

When my cap eventually fell off, I refused to go back.  I endured some pretty creative taunting as a result of my chipped tooth, but I would much rather be the loser with the chipped tooth than endure another stint in the dentist's chair.  I fought against my mother any time I even sniffed at the thought she might take me to the dentist.

As a result, I never stepped foot in another dentist's office until two days before my wedding.  I finally caved and got the dang tooth fixed - but that was it.  That deep-rooted fear of dentists was too cemented for me to do more than what was absolutely necessary.  Having that tooth fixed for wedding pictures seemed like something I could sacrifice for John. 

Now here I am - almost five years after that wedding day, and I've been forced to see a dentist because of these stupid, stupid wisdom teeth.  I was hoping this would be a quick in-and-out procedure since most of my other friends assured me that'd be the case.  But no... it's like Fate turned out to be a Dentist and he's getting me back for all those years I hid away from him.  Now I've been found out, and he's not letting me get away from him without a fight.

I am honestly, honestly petrified of what they're going to do to me tomorrow.  How stupid is this?  I realize I'm insane right now - I'd like to blame the meds, but I was like this before I even took them.  I've tried praying on it... even attempted to say, "Hey God, feel free to take this psychotic fear as some sort of offering."  Nothing is helping, though.  I just want to curl into a ball and cry because I know that no matter what, I'm going to be strapped into a dentist's chair at some point this afternoon, and that's the last place in the universe I ever want to be.

John thinks I'm out of my mind.  He has every right.  Most people probably think I am.  Folks have said that I'm blowing things out of proportion, or that I'm looking to solicit sympathy for all that's been going on.

Sympathy does nothing to get me out of a dentist's chair, and it certainly doesn't help once I'm in one.  John, however, is right.  I am probably out of my mind, but I accept that on this one.  I don't fear heights, rats, the streets of Philadelphia or even chasing down folks who break into my house at the buttcrack of dawn.  Dentists, though?  I admit it - they absolutely terrify me, and the thought of tomorrow will simply not let me sleep tonight.

Doubtful any amount of sedative is going to help on this one.  Geez - if I'm shaking this badly already, what the heck am I going to be like when I actually get there?  *Shakes head*  God help me - I need some serious prayers today...

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