Because I've only recently begun posting things to my blog, it's easy to forget that I've actually been mulling over all of this for almost a year. John brought up divorce when I was halfway through pregnancy- that was back in the beginning of March; it's January now. That's given me 10 months to process things.
So while it might appear as though I've bounced back remarkably fast, I've had the same adjustment curve as most other people, I'm sure.
However, there is one thing that's missing from my divorce story that seems to be a part of so many others; my story does not contain fear.
What do I mean by that?
I am part of a group of women who are either going through or have gone through the divorce and annulment process. It's a place to ask questions, vent, and share circumstances with others who know what you're going through. One of the common themes within this group is an almost suffocating sense of fear. These women are worried about how they will provide for their children. They fear being alone for the rest of their lives. They are scared of being social outcasts or learning how to manage life as a single parent or any other number of things.
Me? I don't understand this fear, and I thank God for the gift of Faith that has made me immune to it.
One of these women asked how it was possible for me to remain so certain that things would be okay. Once I explained myself, it seemed to resonate with the group as a whole, so I'm going to share it here in the hopes that it gives someone else comfort, too.
There's an old lullaby I've always sung to my boys called "Hush Little Baby." I'm sure you all know it. I've sorta made up my own lyrics since I couldn't recall the original:
Hush little baby, don't say a word. Mommy's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
What's this got to do with divorce?
Nothing, really. But what does it have to do with mockingbirds, diamond rings or looking glasses? The entire lullaby is one giant "Don't worry, I'll take care of you" mantra. In cartoon form, it looks like this:
God is my Father. I OWN Him as my Father. I make no apologies for that. In return, in the midst of any hardship I face, I imagine Him singing the above song to me, only He takes the place of "Mommy."
I truly believe that John was my mockingbird. I know in a previous entry I said marrying him was a mistake, but that's not quite true. It might FEEL like a mistake, but I believe that God meant for us to marry (much like He means for us all to get back to Heaven). He doesn't set us up to fail, but we're sometimes so good at it that despite all His Grace, we choose to fail anyway. Unfortunately, John chose to turn away from God's plans (not intentionally, I don't think, because he doesn't believe there is a God to plan anything). Since things did not work out the way God had hoped, He'll simply up the ante with something even better. At least that's how I view things.
The same thing happened with my job. My last one was a diamond ring, sure, but it no longer fit along the path my life was taking. Instead of freaking out about it, I simply said, "Alright, God, figure it out." As usual, He did, and this job is even better than the last (and the last one was pretty hard to top).
In truth, the same thing happens with EVERYTHING in my life, so why in the world am I going to fret over the tiny, torn-up teddy bear in my hands when I know God's got something better in store for me? With every fiber of my being, I trust in God's goodness. I know this divorce is not something He wanted for me. I also know I did nothing to cause it. As such, I trust that God will sort things out so that the end result is even better than what I thought I'd lost.
Does that make sense?
I'm only able to see my life here and now, but God? God's got the big picture available to Him.
Right now, my life looks like this:
To God, it looks like this:
Us humans can only see a little at a time, and what's worse, we tend to focus on the negative stuff! God, on the other hand, has a much, MUCH bigger picture in mind that has way more joy than sadness.
So no. I have no fear when it comes to divorce or really any other aspect of my life. Why would I? I don't claim to be steering the ship, 'cause I know who is, and He's a significantly better Captain than I.
So to those who worry about things, just remember that God's no red shirt. He really WILL take care of things, and He'll take care of them in ways that will astound you. Own Him as your Father, and He will own you as His child.
After all, what proper father lets his daughter get the short end of the stick? ;)
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