Hidden Letter to Jesus

I came across a private letter to Jesus in my Livejournal courtesy of last night's entry.  At the time, I had been way too embarrassed and ashamed to post something like this.  Firstly, it was emotional.  Secondly, it was written to God, something that my friends would no doubt have ridiculed me to no end for.

As I've stated before, though, this letter is proof that though I walked away from the Church for a long time, I never, EVER walked away from my faith.  Even as I was running at break-neck speeds away from God, I always understood that He was two steps behind me, allowing me my freedom but always calling me to turn back.  I always understood that I craved His Love above everything else, and though that Love was always mine, I continuously turned away from it. 

Thank You, God, for not giving up on me.  Though I'm far from perfect in walking with You, my heart is once more happy because I know that at least I'm WITH You.  At least I'm walking in the right direction again.  So again, thank You.  You really are so good to me.

 4/17/2006

Here I am, home after Denny's on Easter Monday.  I feel depressed... a sadness... an emptiness that words just can't express.  I've been walking around with a hole inside myself for what seems like eternity.  I've been missing the Lord, I think.  I haven't been to Mass in the longest time.  I haven't been a practicing Catholic in forever.  I want to cry I miss that part of myself so much, and I hate myself that it's so easy to reclaim it but I refuse to.  I've become so lazy... so selfish... so horrible.  I'm not even a shell of what I used to be.  I'm nothing.  I'm everything I disrespected, hated, and said I'd never become.  God... I'm horrible, and I apologize so much for it.  I want to change, Lord, I do... I need help.  I want my former self back.  I want to be that girl, singing Church songs as she waited for the bus.  I want to be the truly happy, content, and confident girl who KNEW I was good and happy.  I feel so lost, so down, so empty.  I feel I've lost a part of myself I can never get back and I truly cry inside... EVERY DAY I cry inside just to fill up that empty place I've created.  It's so deep, though, that the tears fall endlessly.  

Darkness.  Complete darkness.  I'm typing this whole passage with my eyes closed, just feeling the emotions wash over me, but not completely making it through... they just get swallowed by the black hole inside of my heart... inside of my soul.  I miss You... I want You back... I want to know that everything will be OK.  I want to fix all the problems I've caused.  I want to be happy again... I was so happy with You.  I truly knew HAPPINESS when I was with You.  Ever since I lost my way from You, I've hurt... I've cried... I've missed You.  I'm sorry... it keeps getting worse... like a friend who has gone too long without writing.  It becomes embarrassing.  It becomes feeble.  I want to come back.  I want to be whole again.  I want to be with You.  I want to be with You.  Even now I'm crying... and I know You can see me.  I know You know I'm crying and I know You want to make me feel better.  Just typing to You makes me feel a little less broken.  I still know You are there.  I know You love me, but I'm having such trouble loving myself.  I miss you.  I wish I weren't so broken.  I want to go back to loving You better.  I want to go back to loving You how I used to... but better.  I was a good person when I was with You.  I want to be that good person again.  I want to be that happy person again.  I love You... thanks for listening.

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