My Broken Fiat
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    • Why "MyBrokenFiat?"
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I Married an Agnostic

9/5/2011

9 Comments

 
Picture
One of my favorites
It's true, it's true.  I married myself a non-Catholic.  Sure, he was born and raised in the Church.  And sure, his mom has pictures of him dressed up in a chasuble pretending to be a priest.  The truth, however, is that my husband is agnostic.

I was well aware of his agnosticism when we first dated.  I respected his beliefs, and he respected mine.  Sure, he'd tease me now and again, but back in those early days, I didn't really feel as though he looked down on my devotions.  He just accepted them as a quirky part of who I was.

I had been surrounded by enough atheism and agnosticism that his lack of belief structure wasn't a big deal.  Nor did I think it would pose much of a problem for our married life, either.  After all, my parents were similar.  My mom is Catholic and my dad is... well... nothing.  My dad never cared that my mom took us to Mass and raised us with the faith, and I assumed the same would be true of John.  After all, he had always said, "Sure, teach 'em whatever you want, but I plan to teach them about other religions and stuff, too." 

I was agreeable to that.  I appreciate other cultures and think it's important to be aware of the various belief systems out there.  I had made it clear, however, that I'd be raising them as Catholics (the sacraments, Catholic schooling, Sunday Masses, etc), and that I wouldn't tolerate his eye-rolling or subtle snark directed towards my chosen set of beliefs.  John agreed that was fair, especially when I granted the compromise of consent.  When our children are ready to be confirmed, it will be their choice to move forward or not.  At that point, they should be able to make the choice for themselves (and if I teach them properly, that decision, I'm hoping, will be the right one!). 

So the years went by and religion didn't really come up between us.  John balked a bit when I baptized Vincent, but as soon as I reminded him of the promise he made to allow me to raise our children Catholic until they were able to decide (properly) for themselves, he stopped. 

Now that I've had a resurgence of faith, however, he's getting extremely antsy about my beliefs.  He confronted me about my threads (again, readers not connected with me on Facebook, commentary abounds there), and said, "It's like I don't even know you anymore."  He accused me of going insane, and very plainly worried about how my religion would affect our son.  I guess he was marginally OK with my tepid religious beliefs before... but now that I actually voice those beliefs, it's an entirely different ballgame.

He's struggling with this.  It's just as difficult for him as it is for me.  He's afraid I'm being brainwashed by religion, and that I'll spread the "infection" onto Vincent.  He's also embarrassed because my religious beliefs conflict very much with the anti-religious stance of our mutual friends.  Even those friends of ours who ARE religious are very much gun-shy when it comes to talking about their faith.  So for me to be so vocal about so taboo a topic as religion is scandalous, apparently. 

I'm trying to be patient.  I'm trying very hard to see this from his perspective as well.  I understand that I really have "changed" in his eyes, but at the heart of it, I'm still the exact same person.  I just happen to be more secure in my faith and much more willing to teach others about it.  My faith has done nothing to change my political views, to alter how I treat others (except for an attempt to be more gentle and loving), or to disrupt my daily obligations.  But all these exterior forces are weighing heavily on him.  The most I can do is pray to St. Monica.  May her intercession melt his heart.

9 Comments
Mylo
7/12/2014 09:31:19 am

Hi there, I see you posted this some years ago. I'm so happy to have found it. I'm in the same situation with my husband. In fact, some of your conversations sound identical. Has this situation changed for you? I, too, pray to saint Monica. Saint Paul was right about being unequally yoked...

Reply
Gina
7/14/2014 06:48:46 am

Hi Mylo!

Prayers for you and your husband. The situation has not changed for me. He's still happily agnostic and I'm still praying to St. Monica. Ha ha.

I expected that, though. St. Monica prayed for YEARS before her son's conversion. Patience is a virtue I guess God's dead set on forcing me to learn. LoL.

My prayers that you learn faster than me! :)

Reply
Anne
8/29/2014 06:32:48 am

I'll pray for all four of you!

I'm nervous because I'm starting down your same path as my boyfriend and I start talking more concretely about when we plan to get married. He also was born Catholic but has become agnostic because he believes that it is just a pleasant story. It is so frustrating that he thinks that what I base my life on is a joke.

As much as I love him so much and couldn't imagine a better suited match for me in every other way, I'm really scared sometimes if this is the right decision. I don't know if I could forgive myself if the inconsistent parent message caused our children to have a weakened relationship with God.

I also don't know how I'll make it if I can't talk about my faith with him. I have told him my beliefs and we have talked to a priest a couple times so that I can better explain myself, but it's not the same as just a mentioning of my experience with my faith journey that day. Obviously there are certain aspects that he doesn't understand about me like things that deal with the feminine experience and the fact that my family isn't American. But those disconnects don't seem to really matter that much as aren't as hurtful.

Do you guys have any suggestions?

Reply
Gina
9/2/2014 06:12:54 pm

Hi Anne,

I didn't want you to think I'd forgotten about you. I've been thinking about your comment the last couple days and I think I want to do a blog post dedicated to it. That okay?

Reply
Anne
9/7/2014 08:29:37 am

thanks!

One who is there
2/22/2015 04:24:39 am

Don't do it. Don't marry the agnostic.

I'm married to a raised-catholic agnostic. I love him and he's a wonderful guy but there is something missing.

Reply
Ali Williams
9/3/2018 07:09:14 pm

Stumbled upon this inmuY search for guidance! I’m 50 plus divorced woman dating a wonderful widower who claims to be agnostic but m becoming convinced it’s really atheism. He grew up in a very catholic family and went to catholic school but he wants to be sure I know that this will not change and if it’s a problem we should probably move on. He respects my faith but does not have any desire to go to mass w me ever! He has no children and I have 3 adult children. Why does this actually hurt my heart. Ugh! I tried to talk to my Pastor but he was more interested in making sure I knew we should NOT be intamite until marriage- my bf thinks that since I’m divorced and can’t marry in the church this isn’t a big deal.

Reply
Bob Foss
12/4/2018 12:18:09 am

After 50 years of marriage to a non-believing woman, it doesn't really get any easier. Though my wife coverted to Catholicism late in life, she stayed with it only a year, making me think it was just a passing fancy for her. Her non-religious Jewish family never was anti-Catholic, but when we first met my Catholcism wasn't really important...I guess when you're 19, interested in girls, you don't want to listen to your mother telling you I should be dating someone Catholic. Now, I'm retired, and go to Mass by myself. I know envy is wrong, but I really do envy not only the older couples at church, but the young families, and thinking how I should have taken a greater interest in instilling the Catholic faith to my kids, though my wife would likely have objected. I suppose having a civil marriage put know pressure on her or me then, but I would tell anyone that marrying a Catholic woman (or man) makes one's life as a parent and spouse, much easier and enjoyable when both husband and wife share the same faith. I know my mother was Catholic and my dad a non-churchgoing Protestant, and it always strained our family bonding. I guess if a Catholic is truly in love with a believing non-Catholic Christian, that would be very workable, but at my age (71) if I could go back or advise others, I would simply know that life would be more enjoyable as a family, and spiritually sound, if both parents were committed Catholics.

Reply
Heloisa
1/20/2019 04:58:11 am

Late to the party like others!

"Now that I've had a resurgence of faith, I guess he was marginally OK with my tepid religious beliefs before... but now that I actually voice those beliefs, it's an entirely different ballgame."

This strikes a chord! Married 29 years this year, myself, but I only discovered my baptized non-Catholic husband was actually an atheist a few years ago. I'm still reeling. I was a 'committed Catholic' but under the influence of VII had lost all sense of reality obviously, and of sin itself actually. The Priest who married us was more interested in talking football so he probably didn't notice either when we saw him.

No children due to my severe illness and (possibly) contraception but hadn't realized hubby wasn't bothered about them anyway - thought he was being considerate to my illness. How blind can one be?

Result? Marriage is difficult anyway, hubby is very supportive BUT, having myself returned to Traditional Catholicism, I cringe that I could have got myself in this mess. Would I advise young people to marry a non-Catholic/atheist? No! There is a big gulf in my life and I'm struggling with it all, particularly because I have no access to a Traditional Priest to talk to. On the bright side, God can bring good out of this situation so I trust Him to do so.

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