My Broken Fiat

The theme of my conversion has been acceptance and obedience to God's Divine Will.  In my "Conversion Rosary" that I speak of below, I came to understand what the complete acceptance of God's Plan with humility means.  From the Agony in the Garden ("Not My Will but Thine") to the Crucifixion itself... what lengths Jesus took His Humanity (and His Divinity) in teaching us acceptance and obedience to God's Divine Will!  What lengths the Most Blessed Mother went to in walking that path with her Son!  It is a lesson my proud and arrogant heart needs constant reminders of.

In addition to my meditation on the Rosary, I felt a strong calling to read the Diary of Saint Faustina.  Most of her life was a complete submission to God's Will.  In her I find my deepest understanding of obedience in the Eyes of God.  He would purposely request things from her that her superiors would refuse.  She  would become so upset, but she learned this was God's way of instilling in her a  perfect obedience.  She wished to follow God's Will in her time and in her way, but God wished her to follow His Will in His time in His manner through His  representatives.  Thus, through St. Faustina, God taught me how much I should  honor the rule of obedience, and how much more I should honor, through  obedience, those representatives He chooses for His Church.

So again - why a broken fiat?  As I've now explained, my entire conversion hinges on accepting and obeying God's Divine  Will.  Fiat, in Latin, means "Let it be done."  Those familiar with the story of  the Annunciation may find those words familiar.  "Fiat" is what the Blessed Mother said to the Angel Gabriel when he asked if she'd be willing to accept her role as Mother of God, fully understanding all the suffering that would extend from that.  She said, "Fiat" or "Let it be done to me according to your word."   Her fiat was perfect.  She was perfect. 

I am broken.  My fiat is broken as a result.  I am broken due to my own pride and arrogance.  I cling selfishly to my own desires and as a result, my understanding of God's Will is clouded and disregarded.  I must learn to subjugate myself to His Will and His Will alone, trusting fully as a child trusts her mother.  This is a difficult task for someone like myself, proud of my independence and arrogant with knowledge.  Yet though I think I have knowledge, true wisdom comes from the Holy Spirit... and I have a long ways to go before I can ever be wise.  Though I think I am independent, God has given me the graces to step foot in this world and move about freely.  I am nothing without God, and I need to truly understand this in order to accept His Will as my own.

So that...  that is why I offer my broken fiat.  I am a work in progress.  A miserable work, but a work nonetheless.  And though I will fall along the way, though I may sin more  often than rays of sunlight pierce the earth, I will continue to model my fiat after that of the Blessed Mother, trusting ever in the Mercy of God and the  guidance of the Holy Spirit.  I will offer my broken fiat as a child offers dandelion weeds to her mother, in the hopes that God takes pity on my offering and through Jesus, makes it perfectly pleasing in His Eyes.

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