My Broken Fiat
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  • Blog
  • About / Contact Me
    • My 'Reversion'
    • Why "MyBrokenFiat?"
  • The Archive
  • Prayers

My Not-So-Secret Secret

4/27/2012

26 Comments

 
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Whoa with the hating on my husband, ladies!  While you're at it, slow your roll with the ridiculous accusations against me, too!

Sheesh.

I'd like to take a quick moment to express my sincerest gratitude for those of you sent prayers and messages upon reading My Darkest Secret (either through Facebook threads, this blog or e-mail).  I've been humbled and deeply touched by your thoughtfulness, love and generosity.  Considering how difficult posting that entry was, you each made it worthwhile with the support, gentleness and understanding you showed.  Please know I'll be keeping you all in my prayers.


I have to admit I was not expecting the sort of response that was received.  Apparently this was picked up by a page called "Guggie Daily" on Facebook.  From there, it was shared (a woman named Mattie apparently posted this to every group known to man), Twittered, and e-mailed all over the place.  Wow!

Considering this is an unknown little blog in the corner of nowhere, I was really surprised to see the flood of comments and e-mails.  Most have been very kind and supportive.  As I said above, I am so grateful for that.  Some comments have been slightly confusing, and others have been outright mean.  I felt I needed to respond to those latter comments in a general way in the hopes that folks see this as they're scrolling down to troll.

The majority of the "mean" comments can be broken into a few categories.  They are:

1.  Divorce John.  He's a horrible, evil minion of Satan.

2.  You should be ashamed of yourself for setting the feminist movement back [insert number] years.

3.  You obviously don't understand what the Church's teaching on annulment is, because if you did, you'd totally do it.

4.  You are writing this entry to be a spiteful, manipulative jerk in an effort to guilt your husband into giving you children.

5.  You're both going to hell.  Him for using birth control, and you for allowing him to do it.

6.  You don't really care about your son because if you did, you'd be fighting a lot harder to make sure he gets siblings.

And my favorite:

7.  You just ruined Santa Claus for me.  I wonder if it was MY neighbor all along, too.


Ha ha - okay, obviously that last one was sent by a reader, George, who understands the power of a good joke.  Thank you, George!  Those others, however, were recurring themes in many of the responses I got.  In fact, several messages had combinations of most included! 

So instead of answering each one individually (or deleting them en masse again), here is my response.

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Divorce John.  He's a horrible, evil minion of Satan.

Look, I get that he hates washing the dishes, is color blind and hates HGTV.  Fine.  And this whole issue of being afraid of the financial / time / emotional strain that future children could place on our family?  Yeah, okay... it's a little tough to swallow at times.  But labeling him a follower of Satan?

There's this thing called hyperbole.  You're totally doing it right, but maybe it'd be best to leave such literary devices to poetry.
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You're setting "the movement" back a bazillion years.

I didn't realize that making a sacrifice (albeit a painful one) for the good of my family was setting the bra-burners back a few decades. 

One of the Facebook users who commented on my situation had a profile photo of herself in a bathroom wearing her underwear.  I'm serious.  I wish I was kidding. 

Anyway, she said something along the lines of me being the type of woman who endures years of being barefoot and pregnant, scrubbing mountains of dishes and piles of laundry, never able to find satisfaction in anything not related to serving my man.

Sheesh.  Really?  Is that how my entry REALLY came across?

Let me assure you that, though I do like being barefoot (and would certainly like to be pregnant again), I don't make it a point to spend all my free time washing dishes for
"my man."  Granted, I also don't spend my time in bathrooms taking half-naked photos of myself in order to generate "OMG, you're so hot!" comments from him, either. 

John and I have discussed this repeated times.  This isn't an area one can compromise on, and thus, I willingly make this sacrifice for the good of my family because I love and respect them, myself, and any potential children enough to do it.

If this is considered weakness, I'd be curious to know what you consider strength to be. 

Also, judging me for my desire to be a good wife and mother goes directly against that whole feminist idea of women being enabled to do that which they believe is right for them.  Or do you not note the hypocrisy of your own words?
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You don't know what annulment is, 'cause if you did...

I sincerely wonder if the folks who accused me of this actually understand annulment even half as well as I do.  If they did, they'd understand why an annulment (even by Church standards) is out of the question from a moral standpoint.

When John and I married one another, we did it with the full knowledge of what it was we were signing on for.  We had discussed children and we were pretty much on the same page for everything.  We loved (and continue to love) one another, and we strive to think of the other person in all we do.  With the exception of the openness to children, nothing has changed.  To request that the Church deem our marriage invalid because he changed his mind AFTER the fact is fallacious.  Also, it's pointless as this particular issue is something we have reached an agreement on for the good of our family as a whole.  To go through a pointless process when we still wish to remain as a family is so beyond the realm of common sense that I really do kinda shake my head in wonder at these folks who are so quick to "give up" the second something difficult comes up.

No wonder divorce rates are so high (and cheap) in this country.  Folks are so busy thinking about themselves that the second a sacrifice is necessary, they head for the hills.
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You are a spiteful, manipulative jerk!

I definitely can be, but this most certainly isn't one of those times.  Considering this blog was relatively unknown until it got picked up by folks on Facebook, I didn't think it'd get further than the tiny circle of followers I've amassed.

Also, John will likely never read this.  He doesn't have to, because he already knows my feelings.  I set this off into cyberspace because writing is therapeutic for me.  It also helps me better understand my own thought-process and feelings.  This had nothing to do with guilting John.  How could it when there's really very little chance of it ever effecting him?  That's just silly.
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You're both going to hell.

Eh, you're probably right. ;)

In all seriousness though, since John doesn't believe in Catholicism, the idea of birth control being sinful is foreign to him.  So though it'd still be a sin, it can't be a mortal one because he doesn't have the proper knowledge necessary for it to be a mortal, hell-inducing sin.  Also, I cannot be held responsible for John's decision to use birth control (he's the one who uses it, not me).  In as plain a way as possible, take this illustration:

Mike hits Jane.
Jane feels pain.
Mike sinned, but Jane did not.

When they die in a fiery explosion later that afternoon, Mike will be punished for his sin.  Jane, being blameless (unless she's the one who caused the fiery explosion of doom), will not be judged.

Kinda straightforward, right?
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You don't care about Vince 'cause if you did, you'd fight...

Oh yeah - 'cause that makes any sense.




So I apologize that this is a little more negative than my entries tend to be.  But in light of recent developments, I thought it prudent to dispel these things from the gate.  Blessings to all of you, and thank you for your continued prayers!
26 Comments
Theresa Martin link
4/27/2012 08:43:07 am

lol! wow! did he read your blog though? what did he think?

So, HE is taking birth control then? sucky. I'd say try to convince him to learn NFP! (Even if you use it to avoid pregnancy for now.) That builds up your relationship and your love...as well as fosters a respect for God's way - how He designed us. Most people grow to love God's plan through NFP and all it includes....

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Gina
4/27/2012 01:37:18 pm

Hey, Theresa... I see this got tacked onto one of your posts, too, huh?

I'm starting to feel a bit like a two dollar bill... *grin*

Anyway, John is the one using the BC, not me. Since I believe use of it is wrong, he knows the Pill, diaphrams, and any other "female contraceptive" is off limits. If he wants to use it, it's on him. I cannot be a party to it.

And yes... NFP is a conversation I've had, but I don't fancy attempting to prove to a brick wall that red curtains complement the living room seating, ya know?

Also, kudos on your guest spot! Snazzy!

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Gina
4/27/2012 02:03:26 pm

Oh, and no - he didn't read it and he won't. I don't expect him to. As I've stated before, he is already 120% aware of my feelings considering all the heart-to-hearts we've had about it.

I asked his permission to write it all out (because writing really is therapeutic for me) and he was perfectly fine with it. He supported it knowing that it'd make me feel better.

Like I said, he really is a good husband. He can't help that he's got reservations, same as I can't help wanting to have a hundred babies. Ha ha.

shalimamma link
4/27/2012 10:14:13 am

WHAT??!! You have a difficult, not-so-squeaky-clean situation and you are not abandoning your husband?! You spiteful, manipulative, backward, lost soul married to satan! As an infallible all-knowing lay person, I condemn you!

LOL! You have an amazing sense of humor and I LOVE it!!!! ;) You are living your faith in such an amazing way, I hope and pray I can be as faithful...

Love and blessings,
shalimamma at www.LifeVictorious.com

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Gina
4/27/2012 01:38:20 pm

I really wish I could put a "like" button on these comments!!!

Nay... a LOVE button! 'cause seriously.. that's hilarious.

~a fellow infallible, all-knowing lay person

:)

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shalimamma link
4/27/2012 10:20:02 am

PS. Writing to cyberspace IS very therapuetic... I used it myself, and needed to use humor as well to deal with the haters (my favorite was when someone said "I'm reporting you to the Diocesan Office of Mission Effectiveness") I actually laughed hysterically when I got that in my inbox. I wrote back, is there seriously an office called that, because that's hilarious! So I made even more jokes about it.

I'm still laughing at the "OMG you're so hot" sentence... and I am wondering where you got these TERRIFIC pictures! ;)

<3

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Marie Bernadette
4/27/2012 11:15:58 am

I just love the comment from shalimamma:
"WHAT??!! You have a difficult, not-so-squeaky-clean situation and you are not abandoning your husband?! You spiteful, manipulative, backward, lost soul married to satan! As an infallible all-knowing lay person, I condemn you!"

Ditto what she said!
Bravo to you for braving the blogging world with very real situations of your life. May the responses from here on out always be charitable. (Reality dictates they won't all be, though.)

Since finding your blog, I've been praying for you... *not* praying that you divorce or annul or any of that silly advice you got, but praying for your family's peace.

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Gina
4/27/2012 01:39:52 pm

My appreciation for your prayers. I noticed you commented on the Pew Snobs entry, too. Isn't that the most irritating thing?!

I can't believe you actually ran into folks who refused to move!!!

Absolutely baffling.

Then again, after today's star performers, I guess all sortsa obtuse reactions are par for the course anymore.

Blessings to you and yours, Marie. Thank you so much for dropping in. <3

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Nicole P.
4/30/2012 08:06:42 am

I find it completely ridiculous that people have criticized you for your "Secret" post! I always feel like people who don't see how important compromise is in a relationship (even when it's painful) have never really been is a serious, truly loving one.

Being a sympathetic, understanding, willing to compromise wife makes you stupid, mean, anti-woman, AND a bad mother? That's pretty impressive! Kudos to you for being so destructive :)

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Gina link
5/1/2012 02:16:55 am

"Kudos to you for being so destructive :)"

Ha ha - that actually made me laugh out loud. Why thank you, Nicole. You know how incredibly Dr. Claw I enjoy going on the world...

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Praying for You
5/3/2012 12:37:10 am

My question is a sincere one, not meant to be judgmental or silly. How did you decide to marry John when it seems that you are Catholic and he is not? I always knew I'd marry a Catholic man if not for this exact problem - faithful and practicing Catholics see the world in a very different way than most of society. I wasn't raised in an oppressively strict religious home, but we celebrated the sacraments, went to church every Sunday, participated in various ministries, and received Catholic educations. Being a practicing Catholic was something I knew I wanted before most other qualities in a man. Does he practice any faith? Also, just as a side-note, my husband and I have been trying for a family for nearly our entire marriage (almost five years). Your pain IS very similar to mine. After surgery to remove endometriosis, we finally conceived, but lost the pregnancy early. We are still praying for a baby, but you're right, the suffering does become a sort of sacrifice that you are willing to make for Christ. Despite the pain, crying, (and anxiety of responding to questions/comments), I believe that God has something in store for me that is more beautiful and wonderful than I could ever imagine. And I believe that he has this in store for you, too. God Bless.

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Gina link
5/4/2012 02:30:28 am

Hello, and thank you so much for your prayers. That's very kind of you. Please know you and your husband (and your very, very special intention) will henceforth be kept in mine.

As for your question, I understand it to be a valid one. No worries on offending me, but it's sweet of you to take pains to ensure I understood you weren't playing at judgement. :)

Your question is both tough and easy to answer. So I'll take the easy part first.

How did I decide to marry John even though we don't share faiths?

Because God willed it. We may not share the same beliefs in God, but we definitely share the same love for one another, and what is love if not a manifestation of God's graces?

I actually found an old blog that details my top 10 reasons for why I love John so much. It can be found here: http://marie0415.livejournal.com/31947.html

Forgive me a bit for some of my language there. I was a very different (much more liberal, harsh-tongued) person back then. However, my love for John has pretty much remained steady.

So while I, too, always imagined I'd marry a nice Catholic boy and raise a big, huge family, God sometimes has other plans. Who knows? Maybe it is part of His plan that I one day convert John through my witness. There's good reason I have St. Monica on speed-dial. Ha ha ha.

Blessings to you. <3 I truly appreciate your message and will keep you in my prayers. Please be sure to stop by again with any updates you have! I'd love to hear them!

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Natalie
5/16/2012 06:59:30 am

I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this situation...what a sacrifice you are making. I usually don't reply to blogs but I really felt called to reply to this one. I would really encourage you to look into the Churches teaching on contraceptives. I know you have mentioned that HE is using the birth control but YOU are knowingly engaging in sexual relations that you KNOW are sterile. Not sure but I really don't think your logic here is sound. I will be praying for you.

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Gina
5/16/2012 07:18:01 am

I appreciate your prayers, Natalie. However, I feel I must redirect your response because of the crowd of women following this.

To hold me accountable for his choice is folly - plain and simple.

I cannot force him to stop using BC. I also cannot force him to adhere to NFP.

Keep in mind that sex is not just meant for procreation - it's the renewal of marriage vows, and to withhold sex is to withhold the bond that God decreed for married couples.

I am doing nothing wrong in this regard, and I want to make that perfectly clear because I now am painfully aware that many, MANY other women are in this boat. I don't want them being made to feel guilty or sinful for that which they have no control over.

Again, I use the example:

Mike hits Jane.
Mike sinned.
Jane did not.
Jane may have felt the pain caused by Mike's punch, but Jane, herself, did not sin.

John uses birth control.
I do not.
I feel the pain of remaining barren, but I am not the one sinning. I'm holding up my end of the marriage as best I can given the constraints that have been placed before me.

Again, thank you for your prayers. Be assured of mine for you as well. Blessings.

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Natalie
5/16/2012 08:24:09 am

To be honest with you upon further investigation I have found that a clear answer to is not easy to find...I would talk to a priest. Also I would have to mention that their is no reason that you can't use NFP yourself. You could easily track your cycles and only agree to sexual acts when it is your unfertile time. That way even though he is using a condom you know that you wouldn't get pregant at that time anyway.
I think is it amazing that you stand up for your husband & your marriage.

Gina
5/16/2012 08:39:24 am

Thank you, Natalie.

If it makes you feel better, I have spoken to a priest. Two, in fact. LoL. I could use NFP, but there wouldn't be much point considering he'd still be using BC. It kinda defeats the purpose.

I am free from sin on this one. But I appreciate the concern for my soul. :)

Karen Swift
7/20/2012 02:30:32 am

I followed the link in your Dark Secret entry to this page and read through it a couple times. I didn't read all the commentary in the last entry, but I mostly did on this on. Sorry if you answered it already but I'm still confused.

You say that you and John aren't going to hell because of this. John because he doesn't understand the sin, and you because you're not taking part in it.

I beg to differ on those counts.

John has to understand by now the sinful nature of contraception because from the sounds of it, you've explained to him why it's wrong for you to do it. He might not BELIEVE you, but he knows it. So it'd still be a mortal sin for him.

And you say you aren't participating in the sin, but that's not true. You're still having sex with him, right? That's participation. One person can't contracept. It takes two.

So you're both still in mortal sin - even if neither of you believes that you are.

I don't mean to come off angry or judgemental, but I did want to point out the error of your thinking because that's the right thing to do.

I hope this rectifies itself soon for both of you.

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Gina
7/20/2012 03:34:57 am

So you're not actually "confused" by anything. You're simply convinced that I'm going to hell and taking my husband with me.

Fair enough.

Forgive me if I sound uncharitable at any time. I admit this comment has riled me a bit, but considering I do believe your intention is to get my husband and I into Heaven, I'm going to try really, really hard not to lash out in anger.

First, thank you for following the link to this entry as it does answer many of the questions raised by comments on the first. I hope this cleared up at least some of that for you.

Secondly, I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment. Obviously my words resonated with you enough to solicit an action. Even if that action is a bit tainted by condemnation, I'm reminding myself that it's with good intentions.

So, to allay your fear for my soul:

I've spoken to a priest about this. He agrees with me that refraining from sex is detrimental to our marriage relationship. To refrain from the renewal of my wedding vows is to stoop to John's level.

John is refusing to renew his vow to be open to life... to give me all of himself.

I, however, would be refusing ALL my vows through the act of refusing sex.

How exactly would that teach John to love if I refused to love him as ordained by God when He blessed us with Sacramental Marriage?

How exactly would that strengthen our marriage bond when I refuse to connect with him through the intimacy that is the marital embrace?

Just as God does not force His Will upon us (instead giving us examples on how and why it should be done), I cannot and will not force John to accept it. The sexual manipulation you are suggesting will not only hurt John... it will hurt me because my marriage will suffer, and it will hurt Vincent and our respective families because they cannot help but be affected by the pain John and I endure.

In other words - don't make a horrible situation worse by attempting to manipulate the other person (who is supposed to be your best friend and equal) through subjugation and arrogance.

I believe to do so would be the real mortal sin.

Instead of responding to John with anger, manipulation and arrogance (through withholding sex until he gives me what I want), I've responded with love, trust and patience. I love John, I trust that God's Will shall prevail, and I'm patient knowing that all happens according to God's perfect timing.

Does it hurt sometimes? Yes. Does that make it sinful? No.

I'm relatively certain Christ's Crucifixion was painful. No mark of sin stained His Holy Body, though.

And as for John being in the state of mortal sin, there are three conditions that must be met for mortal sin. I know I've covered this before, so anyone else reading along - forgive me.

Mortal sin is a sin of grave matter
Mortal sin is committed with full knowledge of the sinner
Mortal sin is committed with deliberate consent of the sinner

Contraception - grave? Yes.
Committed deliberately? Yes.
Full knowledge of sinner? Not so much.

If I were to tell you that a polar bear's skin was black, would you believe me?

It's true. Not many people realize that, but a polar bear has black skin. Their fur only appears white because the hairs reflect the surrounding color of snow pretty well. But yes... polar bears are REALLY black. Their fur looks white, but their skin is black.

However, do you believe me? I've explained it, but you might not necessarily take my word for it. Maybe you've gotta actually shave a polar bear in order to believe me.

John's sorta the same way. He knows everything I told him, but he doesn't believe it. Because he doesn't believe it, he DOESN'T have the proper knowledge for this particular sin to be mortal.

Does it still carry incredibly heavy consequences? Of course. However, that third condition is not met because for John, just knowing something and truly understanding it are extremely far apart. Until God lifts the veil from his eyes, this particular sin cannot be mortal for him.

Only when John truly understands the gravity of the sin can it ever become mortal. Just because I tell him it's mortal doesn't make it so.

Same as you telling me we're going to hell doesn't make it so.

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Paul
7/31/2012 08:11:13 am

Hi Gina-
I think I understand your pain to an extent and I too really want to make sure you know that I do NOT want to judge you. I only want to convey what I believe to be true on a couple of points.

I believe the Church teaches that sexual relations between a husband and wife are to be both unitive and procreative. From what I've read, you cannot artificially separate those aspects. I.E. I think some of the people are right here (even if their tone might be off.) You are participating in his sin. And please know, I say this as someone who knowingly sins all too often. In fact I'm pretty sure I'm a worse sinner than you. I only say that so as to ensure that you know I'm not trying to beat you down or be holier than thou. I've gotten some bad advice from priests before regarding what was, and was not sinful. The priests you spoke to MAY have been in error. The Bible does speak of leaders who lead their flock into sin and those who follow them are still held accountable. This concept scares the heck out of me sometimes but it does tell us that we need to constantly seek the truth in case we've been led astray.

Next, I think there is a fine line between being manipulative and doing the right thing in this situation. I don't think you should withhold sex to hurt John. But you might want to do so to preserve the holiness of your marriage. You could argue that withholding sex would be manipulative but one could also argue that he was manipulating you by withholding the possibility of children. I don't know him and would not accuse him of that but I say it to show that intentions could easily be twisted. I.E. There's a big difference between saying "You're not getting any bedroom attention until I get what I want" and "I can't go through with this if it is against my faith and conscience. We need to work this out before we can fully give ourselves to each other." There's another point here that I hate to bring up. I say this as a normal red blooded married man. If my wife wanted more children and I did not but she was still "giving me what I wanted" in the bedroom (I hate to say it that way) then I'd be FAR less likely to change my mind.

Another point... you say that he is not in sin because he doesn't fully know. I think that's a fuzzy situation. One could argue that he DOES know but is refusing to believe. Your polar bear argument is good but here's another way to look at it. Let's say that I think 2+2 = 5 but you tell me that 2+2 = 4. You go on to actually show me my error but I refuse to believe you and I still believe that 2+2=5. There comes a point where I'm not really ignorant of the truth. I'm just being obstinate. Now that's a very easy example for a very tough situation so it's not a perfect analogy but God certainly has placed the truth in front of him. He needs to acknowledge that truth eventually or he's just lying to himself. Again I don't want to judge him. I admit that I am a weak sinner and I also admit that these are very tough truths to admit.

Anyway that's enough of that babble. Again I hope I didn't come across as judgmental. I really don't want to sound that way and I would never judge the state of your soul, only my very slight understanding of a complicated situation. I will pray for you as I hope you will pray for me. I truly wish you and your family the best.

Christine link
7/31/2012 06:58:18 am

I just wanted to say thank you for this article. I went through the same thing with my husband (who was not raised Catholic). It was very painful. However I never shared it with anone either because of the shame & judgment. (Oh, how uncharitable some Christians are) I loved my husband & I too believed that my marriage was a series of vows & covenants. They overlap sometimes and you do have to make sacrifices. My husband became Catholic and changed 99% of all his beliefs. But this was one that had been drilled into him by his family & society. So what are you to do? Throw away everything else because, as you said, you are unwilling to "trick" or "manipulate" them?

Anway, I get it. I completely understand. The sacrifice, the pain. The looking at your family & thinking, is this really it? I too dreamed of having children from the time that I was one. My husband had reasons as well. Legitimate reasons. Physical, emotional. I do believe that adding more children to our family would have sent him over the edge. How would that have been Godly?

He died suddenly at the age of 37. I am now alone to raise my children. Although it is very hard to accept, it is all God's will & part of His plan. Not ours! If I had been able to have ALL of the children I wanted I would have no way of supporting them now. God gives us what we need, not always what we want. And as for my wonderful husband... I KNOW he is in Heaven. Not for the 1% that he struggled with, but for the 99% of the changing he did do. Which, by the way, would have never happened if I had given up on him & divorced him!

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lisa
9/15/2012 06:46:44 pm

Christine,
You are truely a hero! What a fine blessing you are to the heavens and earth. Thank you for having faith through all that you have gone through! You make me cry with awe in your attitude! I hope I can always think and have faith and never loose the focus you have on God! Very good! God bless you and yours! Lisa

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Pat
7/31/2012 08:41:00 am

This all reminds me of my own time of fertility back in the 70's when the feminist movement was going strong and you were made to feel that you were committing the gravest sin against society and the environment if you were found pregnant more than once.... or twice at the most. Birth control was expected and even condoned by the priests from the pulpit in our area. Liberal Catholicism was a real growing force and when Pope Paul VI's encyclical on human life came out our parish priest got up in the pulpit and said that we could follow our own conscience! In private the priests we talked to insinuated that the Pope was old and out of touch with reality and it was only a matter of time before things would change. Women who stayed at home were a real drag on society and only women who worked were worth something. My husband, a Catholic, was a teacher and earning little so he was not eager for more responsibilities. I had always loved children and babies and wanted a large family but felt pressured into using birth control and continuing to work as a nurse on weekends and all school vacation days, full time in the summer months. All the time I prayed that the birth control would fail as it does often enough. At one point my doctor was urging me to get my tubes tied because I had had some complications with my pregnancies. My husband was also encouraging this and I keenly felt the pressure of "society". I decided to consult with our pastor hoping he would tell me I would be committing a serious sin if I even considered sterilization. My pastor recommended that I go ahead and have the procedure done. At that point, true or false, I felt out of options and had my tubes tied during a C-section. In my later years I have regretted many of the decisions I made as a wife and mother as I came to realize the seriousness of my sins. What I have never regretted is the children I had. What I have come to realize is that God can handle everything if we only give Him our complete trust. Don't be sad and don't give up your hopes and dreams. Condoms and other birth control have been known to fail and I don't mean rarely! What can your husband say if HIS birth control fails. If he were really serious he would have had a vasectomy but I find most men are not eager to go that far and as long as he hasn't there is hope. God can work miracles. He can even work on your husband's choices. Give all the problems to God, tell Him your heart's desire and TRUST Him to do what is best for you and your husband. Get Holy Mother Mary on your side. God finds it difficult to refuse any request of hers. We have four children and seven grandchildren and they are our comfort and joy in our old age. Our friends who restricted their children envy our joy. Many of them rarely see their one or two children who live miles away or don't have any time for them. Don't lose hope. Trust in God. He can do anything even soften your husband's heart.

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Bernie DeFrancesco
8/1/2012 03:51:03 am

My heart goes out to you. There are 4 years between two of my children and I know the longing. I have no advice for you other than to confide in the Blessed Mother and ask her to Take over in these circumstances. Trust her and she will work wonders.

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Lisa
9/15/2012 06:31:38 pm

Dear Gina,
I read your story just tonight. Unbelievable! I cried like a baby when you expained that your a mother and you have children you haven't met. Wow, that's heavy. I am so very sorry for your situation. I do understand too as you do that if it's God's will it's for the best.
I am hoping that you don't mind if I tell you a tad about my situation as well. Both my husband and I where raised Catholic. We got married outside the church as protestants. Six years into the marriage I returned to the Catholic Church, he did not. He was willing to receive the sacramental blessing right away but I was not. I began to have my own issues and delayed the sacrament. Can you believe my issues lasted four years? I got intouch with a cannon lawyer and was instructed to live as brother and sister until I got the sacramental blessing. Because I didn't have it for four years we had to live like brother and sister all that time. We would have been fornicating otherwise.
We finally got the sacrament for our marriage. I wanted to tell you this because if we came together intimitly before the sacrament it would have been a mortal sin.
I want to give you hope. My husband for four years did not agree whatsoever to my demanding we act like brother and sister. It caused alot of anger in him. I knew though, if I gave in, even though we already had three children and this institution of family I would be responsible for my own actions.
I do understand that your situation and mine are different. I guess when I read you weren't commiting mortal sin because he was using bc and you weren't that raised my eye-brows. I am no expert about this. I do hope you know I am for you and not against you.
Have you contacted the cannon lawyer about your situation about bc? This is more serious than asking a priest. The lawyer will be able to tell you church facts.
It is good that you have the attitude to stay together for the sake of your institution-family. Good for you! I'm concerned about partaking in birth-control. He is the one using it but you are giving him permission to commit mortal sin with you in the marriage bed. You are what seems enabling him to do it by partaking.
Please Gina, please understand, I am only concerned without being completely cannon law sure. It wasn't a sin for me to deny my husband even though he didn't agree with me. When my husband said we should be able to be together intimitely when the Catholic Church said we can not, if I lay with him saying to myself "This is o.k. because he isn't guilty because he doesn't agree with the Church, I would still be commiting mortal sin because I knew better."
You have the sacramental blessing right? From my understanding you do. This doesn't change anything from my understanding. If someone else said that mortal sin was o.k. and we as Catholic's partake in this particular sin Romans 1 says we are just as guilty.
It's true you have a responsiblities to your husband in the marriage bed. Allowing him to use bc with you, on you, I don't think is one of them. Don't you think it would be wiser to not help him offend God and help him to awaken his conscience to God more than being with him in that way using bc? This is a very sticky situation I know.
I found as extremely painful it was to wait four years to be with my husband again it was more pleasing to God that I wait than if I were to help my husband offend God. Does this make sense?
I hope we can converse again. Thank you kindly for listening and I hope you are able to have those babies of yours! I will be praying for you and feeling your pain. I could have had a couple of babies myself in those four years. I'm now in my early fourties and I'm not sure I'm going to have anymore children, it just doesn't seem to be happening. I want so many children too but I had to make sure there was no sin in my life weather I was doing it or someone else was doing it. Now, I suffer, but all for the glory of God, right? O.k. Gina, I hope to hear from you and thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing. I wouldn't take some of those comments from those that seemed harsh. Sometimes even though people seem harsh they are trying to help but say it in a different way. Talking about the devil and hell can be compassion too! I know you know this from the way you wrote your story. God Bless you, Lisa

Reply
Gina
9/17/2012 02:58:12 am

Hi Lisa,

I believe that truly mean to be both charitable and understanding, and for that I thank you. I also am deeply appreciative of the prayers you've since sent to Heaven on behalf of these intentions. Bless you for your spiritual generosity.

I'm very happy that you and your husband have worked through what must have been a very trying period. You certainly have special intercessors, yourselves!

Regarding your suggestion that I seek out a Canon lawyer, however, I decline for a very specific reason that I wish to impart as my reason is the crux of how I've decided to handle this entire situation.

I trust in God and His Ways.

Early on as I was struggling with this (keep in mind this isn't something that sprang up recently - I've been married for five years, and this has been an issue for at least 4 of those five years), I spoke with my spiritual director.

As I moved further along my path of reversion, I wasn't entirely sure that my spiritual director (a laywoman) was fully capable of handling the theological aspects of my dilemma. Thus, I felt a calling to speak things over with a priest whom I trusted.

After speaking with him (not once, not twice... but plenty), I felt peace settle over me as I was affirmed in my actions. At the time I was speaking to him, I was also reading the Diary of St. Faustina and came across several quotes of hers in which she repeatedly kept going to her Confessor regarding the same spiritual issue because she just couldn't shake the feelings of "wrongness" that she felt.

However, through God's Grace she learned to trust her Confessor because Christ told her that He, Himself, spoke through them and she should accept everything that he says as coming from His Lips.

So even when things came through this Confessor that seemed to conflict or cause her distress, eventually they worked out to coincide perfectly with His Will, and in this way she learned to be a steadfast listener and deeply obedient to even the tiniest of admonishions given to her by her various confessors.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Having learned this beautiful lesson from St. Faustina, I, too, trust that my confessor speaks with the authority of Christ in these situations. I fully trust that what he tells me, I'm meant to hear as coming from Christ.

Oddly enough, I had a bout of doubt after the lashing I received on this blog. I struggled against the doubt, but I eventually broke and spoke with an entirely different priest. He gave me the same feedback as my original one, and the day I was given that information, I once again came across a very direct quote from St. Faustina's Diary that chided me (absolutely CHIDED me) regarding my lack of trust in His Way of using my original confessor.

I felt so terrible that I had such little faith in Him. I understood then that I would never more question the advice / teachings of my confessors. Going to a Canon Lawyer would thus be slapping Him in the Face again through my lack of trust.

No.

I trust Him, I trust His Ways, and I trust His representatives. In this, I find peace.

So thank you for your desire to look out for my best interests, but please know that God's got my back, too, and in this case, He's sent me a superior Confessor to help me shoulder this cross.

Blessings.

Reply
Anita Stanko
2/13/2013 12:44:47 pm

So your story could not have come at a better time for me. For me it was not about loss but rather, gain. What you described was TRUE love in the way Christ modeled it and how marriage was meant to be. You inspire me. Many blessings to you and your family.

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