No Jamaican Mass

So I didn't end up going to Mass on Sunday.  Not for lack of trying, mind you!  That doesn't mean I don't feel like a jerk about it.  Doubly so, because I think John got the impression that it was due to his pressure that I missed.  It was partly my fault anyway.  I had pushed off thinking about the trip for such a long time that I had to scramble last minute to find a Church I could attend.  Because that was only a day and a half before I left, I couldn't find the proper contact info for the church (all the info on their site had expired).  I had wrongly assumed the front desk would be able to tell me when the Masses were (or, if not when, at least the proper contact info).  Struck out there.  Finally, I went to the taxi drivers who I assumed got a lot of visitors asking to be taken to Mass on Sunday.  He looked at me like I was insane.

*sigh*

Then he attempted to charge me through the nose for the 15 minute trip to the church (which we had passed on the way to the resort, so I knew - round abouts - where it was).  Just because I'm a visitor doesn't mean I'm a total idiot.

So unless I wanted to get lost attempting to go there myself (not a very safe idea) and wait around for a few hours hoping that I'd strike lucky with a Mass, I was out of luck.  And I felt AWFUL.

You see, before we left, I had mentioned to John that I'd be going to Mass.  Apparently he took that as a sign that I was spiting both him and our relationship in lieu of God.  His solution?  "Just go to Mass twice next week."  Even better... "We're going to a wedding... shouldn't that count?"

*face palm* (Though I definitely laughed at his "shouldn't that count" logic.)

I have to admit that I didn't foresee this discussion happening at all.  John has never told me I could not go to Mass, take part in a religious event, or practice my faith.  Never.  So the fact that he was specifically telling me not to go to Mass in Jamaica because "we're on vacation" was mind-boggling to me.  Absolutely mind-boggling.  And that fact that he was angry the thought had even entered my mind was almost too incomprehensible for me to wrap my head around. 

I likened it to me telling him not to go to a film festival or take part in a movie meeting.  I'd NEVER do that.  NEVER.  Movies, to him, are like a private religion.  He devotes a bunch of time to them, and making movies makes him happy.  Going to Mass and being a practicing Catholic make ME happy.  Just as I'd never think to stop him from doing movies, I honestly never thought he'd ask me to stop being a Catholic (for even a weekend!). 

Truth be told, I'm still floored by this.  Atheist, agnostic or spaghetti monster follower, I don't care who you are or what you believe so long as you leave me to believe and practice that which I wish.  If I don't expect you to alter your belief (or non-belief) system for me, don't expect me to alter mine for you.  And typically, John fell in line with that.  But this trip to Jamaica... I couldn't believe what I was hearing!

So yeah... it really irked me that I couldn't go to Mass, especially because I didn't want him thinking he'd "won" and "pressured" me to go lax in my faith.  Mind you, it's not that I wanted to "win" or "prove him wrong."  I'm worried that him seeing me "sway" so easily reinforces that religion isn't really important and can be altered when he needs it to be.  Or worse, that he can pressure me into ignoring my obligations and, if given enough time, would be able to convert me away from Catholicism altogether. 

Ugh.  I dunno.  It hasn't really come up again.  I realize this isn't really John so much as satan getting angry about how gung-ho I am with the faith.  Where there is strength and conviction in Christ, there is undoubtedly evil angrily working against it, hoping to tear it apart before it converts others.  I see this for what it is, and again... I know where victory reigns.  I know how the story ends, so... onwards.  :)

However, I really, REALLY need to go to confession because I feel like I did something wrong.  Even though I did try to get to Mass, it was still my fault for not checking sooner.  Also, I guess I could've paid through the nose to get there, but that felt wrong, too.  I dunno.  I realize that missing Mass is a mortal sin, but considering I did try to get there, maybe it's been downgraded to a venial one?  I hope so. I kept asking God to forgive me because I really did feel bad.  Next available confession time for me is Saturday.  I tried calling a neighboring parish (my pastor is really busy), but even they are all over the place.  Thus, Saturday is my ticket back.  Bah.

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