Perceived Parenting Fail

5/15/2012

So some of you are aware that my son was basically half-deaf for the first two years of his life. Even though I spent a full year fighting with pediatricians to give him the necessary surgery, Vincent's hearing (and subsequently, his speech development) suffered terribly.

Ever since having his tubes placed in September, he's made tons of progress. He's been working regularly with a speech therapist, and has recently figured out how to lace a few words together for basic requests. He's still about eight months behind the rest of his peers, but he's making progress.

Sometimes, however, that progress seems painfully slow to me, and it makes me want to lash out at folks who simply don't know any better.

For example, when I take Vincent to the store, there will inevitably be some nice person who wants to ask Vincent for his name and age. They mean well, and they obviously have no way of knowing that he's delayed in speech (and thus, comprehension). However, when they press him repeatedly even after my quick "His name is Vincent and he's a big boy at two years old!" I get agitated FOR him. I want to protect him from the confused looks and the subsequent, "Doesn't he talk already?" questions. Again, keep in mind that (because of his sheer size) Vince looks a year older than he actually is (he's only 2.5)

Then I end up feeling like a horrible mother because, in all honesty, he SHOULD be talking by now (at least better than he is), and maybe if I'd've fought a little harder on the ear surgery, this wouldn't be a problem for him. Maybe all of this is the result of my laziness in regards to reading to him often enough, talking to him enough, or forcing him to use words to communicate with me.

I don't know.

Some days you just end up feeling like a parental failure, and for me, this is one of those days.

One of my friends posted a video of her son singing a song. It was adorable and I was so happy to see my friend and her son sharing such a sweet moment with us. However, something inside made me want to cry because Vincent is nowhere near this little one's capacity (and Vince is almost a full year older than him!). Immediately the doubt began to rush over me.

I must not be coaxing him to talk enough.
Maybe I'm not spending enough time verbalizing with him.
I should read to him more often.
I should SING to him more often.
Maybe we should up the speech therapist to three times a week.
I can't wait until his hearing appointment, because God forbid the tubes fell out and he's already blocked again.
Should I try to bump the appointment? Maybe they can see us today.

UGH!

It's enough to make a mother go insane.

I have to keep taking deep breaths and realize that Vince IS making progress. No, he's not spouting off his name and age and silly songs perfectly, but at least he's making headway. He can sing a good portion of Team Umizoomi's theme, and the lyrics for Fresh Beat songs? Pfft... Even if he can't get 'em out, he definitely knows them.

There's nothing inherently WRONG with Vincent. He's developmentally ahead of his peers in every single area except verbal / comprehension. I realize this has everything to do with the fact that he couldn't hear for the first two years of his life. I realize that catching up will take time. I realize that he's already made so much progress. I realize all of this. Even so, sometimes you just feel like you're not doing enough and because of your parenting failures, your child suffers.

*Sigh*

19 Comments

Dom

5/15/2012 10:39:10 am

Max didn't talk until he was well past two and a half- not one word. Not mama, not dada, not anything. It drove my in-laws insane; they thought he was autistic, and staged an intervention with his father and I to get us to see that he needed to see a specialist. I just sat there and stared at them when they went on and on about how they'd talked to all their neighbors (without our knowledge or consent) and to acquaintances who had an autistic son, and to physicians and specialists, and *it has nothing to do with you, dear; it's genetic,' and all I could say was 'I think if there was something wrong there I would know it, yes? I do spend twenty four hours a day seven days a week with him, and NO boy in my family has ever talked before he was two besides. It's a documented fact.' And then there was the 'oh, you're too close and in denial; no one wants to believe something's up with their child', and we thanked them politely and escorted them out after saying firmly that if we felt we needed to look into it, we would. After they were gone, I looked at David and said 'man, they have balls of steel, don't they?' He said 'And brains of porridge.' And we went on as we had (we'd had his hearing checked; he was fine) and threw a little therapy in there to 'get him kick-started' as his family doc said, and within six months, he was talking in full sentences.

I guess my point is... Is that you need to quit beating yourself up. When a child doesn't talk (and there are myriad reasons why that could be; my mom always says my twin didn't talk till he was three because he had me to do it for him) it's almost impossible to realize that it's because he can't hear. We don't expect kids to talk at that age, not much anyway, and the developmental range is so wide that really, all you can do for the set amount of time is wait and see. You did all the right things *when you realized there was an issue*, and you are still doing the right things, and unless you have access to a time machine, there is no good reason to wonder 'what if.'

Vince will talk. Trust me. He's a bright, beautiful boy, and if anyone asks why he isn't responding now, just tell the truth. 'He was born with hearing issues that are being addressed now that he's old enough, thank God and technology, and he's still playing catch up.' There's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed by there, least of all your own capabilities as a mother!

Dom

5/15/2012 10:52:25 am

I'd also just like to add - when they ask him what his name and age is - you might not want to answer for him. Instead of saying 'his name is Vincent and he's two' (leading to confused looks as to why he isn't answering, and delaying his incentive to bother since you're doing it for him - I learned THAT one the hard way) just say simply 'He's had hearing issues that have been recently corrected by surgery, and he's just learning to talk as a result. Two years of blessed peace for me, mind you, but now that your ears work properly, you're going to be talking mine off in no time, aren't you, Vince?'

Gina

5/15/2012 11:20:09 am

GREAT advice, Dom! I love it! Thanks!

Katherine link

5/15/2012 11:55:32 am

I just want to say that, my kids all have worked on their motor skills first and generally don't say more than a handful or words until they are 18 months to 2 years. It is just the way they operate. And, frankly, people should mind their own business. My 4 year old speaks fine but she won't answer someone if they ask a question. She will hide behind me. She is just shy and that is okay. The fact anyone would make assumptions just because he doesn't reply is simply rude. IMHO

Gina

5/15/2012 03:38:39 pm

Awww - that's so cute!

I agree that it's rude for people to assume, but I understand they can't always help it. We live in an assumption based world, I guess. I just don't like it when the assumptions turn into accusations or the unsolicited advice starts pouring in that underscores how I've failed him in about 30 different ways.

Ha ha - as Dom said above, sometimes people just have balls of steel. *Grin*

Nicole P.

5/15/2012 12:46:24 pm

i think there's a common syndrome for us- it's called "First Time Mom Terror." While we know that following our instinct is best and know we're doing everything we can for our kids, there's that little voice in the back of our head that gives us mini panic attacks if they don't seem to be caught up with everyone else.

Eli didn't start walking until she was 14 months. Not a big deal, but her cousin who was 2 weeks younger had been walking since he was 10 months, and my mom kept saying that I had started walking at 8 months. So even though I knew she was fine and it wasn't a big deal, I kept thinking was there anything I could do to get her walking sooner. All I did was drive myself nuts. So just trust your instincts.

Gina

5/15/2012 03:36:13 pm

"Mom Terror"

I'm TOTALLY calling it that from now on. You're exactly right. No matter how right we know we are, there is still that little voice in the back of our heads that refuses to stop gnawing away at us. Stupid voice... what does it know anyway? LoL

Most Awesome Godmother- (truth)

5/16/2012 12:50:33 am

Welp, you finally got me to comment.

I think (like many other times) you are over-analyzing (who knows better than me) your perceived "failures" as a mother. The fact that you hear that nagging little voice in your head, that you are questioning how you can improve on this situation; shows more concern than a lot of parents that I know (you know EXACTLY of whom I speak).

You said it yourself; Vincent is a wonderful, well adjusted, sociable child who is going to catch up when he is good and ready too. He's already improved so much (Dan has now moved up into Fan) and he's only going to continue to improve because of all the hard work you are putting into it.

Plus, he can sing "Ice, Ice Baby". Leaps and bounds, my friend, leaps and bounds :)

Gina

5/16/2012 01:35:35 am

Ha ha ha - that was my plan all along *evil grin*

And yes, I still sorta miss "dan, dan, dan!" being excitedly repeated over and over again at the whirly, spinny thing that makes breezes.

I know Vince'll be A-OK. Heck, he IS perfectly fine. Sometimes, though, it's damn near impossible to tell that irritating voice to take a hike. As you said, you of all people understand that. However, I think I've successfully suckerpunched it in the baby-maker for now, thanks in no small part to you wonderful ladies and your rosy outlooks. Ha ha!

Lauren

5/16/2012 02:33:10 am

"I've successfully suckerpunched it in the baby-maker"

!!!

Did you forget this is a Catholic blog, missie??? Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hilarious!

Thadeus

5/16/2012 08:04:54 am

My wife had undiagnosed hearing loss as a child (not sure when it was caught, probably around 3 years). She speaks perfectly today. I have no doubt that Vincent will do great in life and that you are doing a great job of parenting.

Also, people in general use size (unconsciously) as an indicator of age. It is hard to overcome, but I'm sure your experience will help you be an advocate for recognizing sizes vary within age for small children. I have an opposite issue (my children are quite small for there age), in that people comment that they speak so well for a given age (since they look about a year or two younger than they are).

So being the good worrying parent that I am, I worry that my kids are getting puffed up with pride because of all the unsolicited praise. :) I agree with Most Awesome Godmother that many of us parents today OVER-analyze ourselves and our parenting. God blessed Vincent with exactly the mother he needs...you. :)

Best to you,
Thadeus

Gina

5/17/2012 05:05:18 pm

{hug}

Do you have a certain "go-to" phrase to politely redirect people away from the age issue? Or do you kinda just roll with it at this point?

Thadeus

5/18/2012 08:35:15 am

Unfortunately, I don't. I usually resort to, "he's small/little for his age." This probably isn't the best thing since it could impact his self-image so I may have to rethink that.

I find myself doing more educating outside of the awkward comments from strangers. I try to talk about it in adult settings (away from the kids) in an effort to reduce those awkward comments. :)

My guess is that you've helped a lot more than me by sharing this struggle publicly through your blog.

Many blessings to you and your family,
Thadeus

dymphna

5/16/2012 01:45:32 pm

My brother in law said nothing to anyone until he was four. He never shuts up now.

Gina

5/17/2012 05:04:02 pm

I really did laugh out loud when I read that... ha ha. Thanks, Dymphna. <3

Theresa

5/17/2012 08:04:19 am

You need to give yourself more credit. There is so many things Vince does know how to do because of you. Like kick me out of his room because its bedtime. I'll never forget when he did that. Don't be so harsh on yourself, you're doing a great job :)

Gina

5/17/2012 05:05:54 pm

I can't wait until he starts calling you Reesa. LoL

Anna

5/21/2012 05:23:14 pm

My youngest, Eamonn, did little more than grunt until he was five years old. He was also always large for his age, he still is at 18 years old, he is a tad over 6'2" and @ 220... but I digress. Eamonn had a lot of hearing problems and still occasionally loses part of his hearing due to fluid in his ears despite multiple sets of tubes and eventually having his ear drums replaced twice. He is an exceptional young man, he is an Eagle Scout, volunteers at church countless hours to do whatever the priest needs and volunteers with an animal shelter. Everyone that meets him seems to like him and immediately trust him, he is often called a gentle giant.
His kindness seems to know no bounds neither does his confidence, even though he has been in speech therapy all of his life until recently when it was decided that any further improvements would be minimal compared to the time investment and as long as he is happy with things I could not push the therapy. He holds down a full time, very responsible job with the Boy Scouts of America during the summer and works part time the rest of the year. He hopes to go to Wyoming Catholic after graduating next year from our homeschool
My priest and I often talk about him. We wonder how some people with everything: looks, brains, good speech, can sometimes still have poor personalities or no confidence. We think that my son is blessed with his wonderful personality and confident, caring nature because of the struggles he has faced simply to communicate with those around him. It is a gift given to him by God to help him grow into an amazing man. Perhaps this is a gift that has been given to your son also?

Gina

5/22/2012 02:11:51 am

Thank you for dropping in and commenting, Anna. I appreciate hearing your experience. It certainly gives me a sweet perspective to reflect upon for Vince.

Sounds like Eamonn has quite a special mom in his corner. Best wishes on his application to Wyoming Catholic. :) He really does sound like a sweet, wonderful person. Blessings to both of you. Thank you so much for leaving this nugget! {hugs}

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