Pitfalls and Dancing: Part I

Thanks to all you kind folks who keep checking in on me from time to time.  It's so nice to see an e-mail from someone on the other side of the country who felt connected to my story in some form or another.  

Anyway, I've been radio silent for a while because I didn't really have much to talk about.  I knew the last few entries I'd written were full of anger and disgust, and I really didn't like that my blog had taken such a dark turn.  But as a friend pointed out, it's the dark turn that will make the upswing that much brighter.  So here I am again to embrace the path and hopefully share the pitfalls I've stumbled into so whoever comes after me can avoid them.

I met the girlfriend last week.  John was dating this girl before we'd even gotten divorced.  I've known about her from the gate and really had no inclination to have any dealings with her.  John, however, has a desperate need to "prove" how mature he is, so he pushed for me to meet her since he now wants her meeting the boys.  

*Rolls eyes*  Right.  'Cause I really have any need or desire to meet myself from 12 years ago.  
But again, John insisted.  He kept saying he didn't want to do things like his cousin because he was just so much more mature than him (when you feel the need to keep stressing how much you've matured, you probably still haven't done so).  So fine.  I figured I'd meet her and give the poor kid a chance to ask me questions that might save her some grief down the line.  As I said to John, I wasn't at all worried about how she'd be with the kids.  After all, John's got a type, and that type would be perfectly fine interacting with Vince and Nate (likely better than him if we're being honest).  

So meet her I did.  Huge pitfall, people.  The meeting went exactly as you would expect a meeting like this to go - annoyingly.  

I got to the diner and she shoved her hand across the table in a very nervous, overly-happy "Nice to meet you!"  I responded "Yeah. Hi. Nice to meet you, too." in my best "Honey, slow your roll, you're coming on like a kidnapped child from Candy Land looking for his next hit from Lord Licorice" voice. 

The waitress came by to take orders.  I asked for decaf coffee and nothing else.  John waved her away because they'd already had their drinks.  I pointed out that his girlfriend was clearly ready to order food, but the waitress had already moved on.  The girlfriend just shrugged her shoulders and said "It's no big deal."

Oh Lord.  If that isn't a perfect analogy for life with John.  He didn't want anything, so why would it even cross his mind that someone else might want something?  

But hey, I knew where she was coming from.  She was trying to put on a brave face and be the mature, sensible adult in a situation that was at least 10 layers of confusion over her head.  She was already adept at excusing thoughtless behavior and she likely didn't even realize she was doing it.  I felt bad in that moment, because again... looking at yourself 12 years in the past and being able to do nothing to stop the disappointment hurtling your way... it's not fun.

When I asked John to get things rolling with exactly why he wanted to meet (to supposedly go over ground rules re: her interaction with the kids), he put up resistance which is typical of John in awkward situations.  Besides, I wasn't there to vet her nor was I there to go over "ground rules."  I was there to give her the chance to ask questions about the guy she was entangled with - the guy I spent more than 12 years in a relationship with.  I was there to make sure she understood my expectations for her involvement with my children.  And I was there to point out my support of their marriage should she be foolish enough to make the same mistake as me.  

She didn't have a single question!  LoL.  For someone studying journalism, you'd think she'd be a little more prepared, but given the subject matter, it makes sense.  I mean, ignorance is bliss. Besides, to her, I'm just the ex.  Bitter, jaded and I'm sure the reason for every failed moment in the marriage.  She knows John... he's amazing.  What more does she need to know than that? Three fiancees and a broken marriage couldn't possibly be an indication that there's something inherently wrong with him, right?

I honestly wanted to take her hand from across the table at one point and say "Run."  It was right after she said she wanted to have her first child in about 3 years.

Guys, FIRST CHILD.  That was the exact phrase she used.  You know what that implies?  More than one kid.  Exactly what I wrote about in my entry before I'd even met the girl.  She's so young. And when I brought up the vasectomy John had casually mentioned, he got indignant as if I could have somehow taken that out of context.  

She did try to walk the statement back a bit by saying "I'd like to have one and see how it goes from there."  I shook my head and didn't even bother helping her follow her logic.  What's the point?  She'd just hop off the train before getting to "So what happens if you like being a mom and want another, especially given John's well-documented disdain for more?"

This is seriously so sad to me.  I wouldn't wish what John did to me and my children on anyone... not even the girl who thought it'd be a good idea to pursue a married man with a pregnant wife.
But she's staring down the barrel and legitimately has no idea.  Or worse, she thinks she can change his mind when the time comes.  

*Shakes head*

So yeah - pitfall.  Meeting the new girl, feeling nothing but pity for what she's going to endure (likely years down the line), and doing your best not to punch the common denominator in the face for his part in all of it.