My Broken Fiat
  • Blog
  • About / Contact Me
    • My 'Reversion'
    • Why "MyBrokenFiat?"
  • The Archive
  • Prayers
  • Blog
  • About / Contact Me
    • My 'Reversion'
    • Why "MyBrokenFiat?"
  • The Archive
  • Prayers

Question 1:  How Long Was Your Marriage Suffering...?

1/21/2013

0 Comments

 
Picture
This is one of my favorite photos of John and I.  It captures perfectly the happiness, love and joy we felt that day.

So when did this bliss begin to deteriorate?  When, exactly, did our marriage begin to suffer?

I think that's an impossible question to answer.  As every couple knows, you don't marry a perfect person.  You're not a perfect person yourself.  Thus, the union of two imperfect people isn't going to be the most perfect thing in the world. 

We both came into the relationship with baggage.  At the onset of our relationship, we accepted the baggage happily.  His ridiculous quirks were endearing to me, and I believe all of mine were the same to him.  

Somewhere along the way, however, we allowed selfishness and arrogance to cloud our perception.

When I think back, our marriage was suffering a very long time.  We were married young, so we were admittedly immature in our handling of things.  It takes time and patience to learn how to make a life together with and for each other.  There are no owner's manuals - you gotta figure it out yourself.  

So if I had to pinpoint a time frame, I guess I'd say a few months before Vincent was born.  We were more than a year into our marriage and I was beginning to put pressure on John to keep his end of the bargain regarding children.  I had acquiesced to waiting a year, and there we were, a year and six months later, with him refusing to even speak of children let alone attempt making them.  As a result of this frustration, I burned with an intense resentment of him.  I blamed him for my unhappiness, and as such, I treated him very poorly.  I didn't realize it at the time, of course, but my resentment came out in a stunning array of belittling, nagging, cold shoulders, refusal of sex, and pretty much any other "female weapon" you can think of.  I was very likely the worst wife in the universe, and it all stemmed from the hurt I felt over being lied to.  

He had promised children after a year, and he went back on his word.  A part of me hated him for it, and that part of me was allowed to fester and grow, blinding the part of me that loved him and coaxing my mind to blow every perceived failure into a mountain that weighed heavily against him.  

How could any man stand up under such crushing weight?


Picture
In early January of the next year, I learned I was pregnant.  It was a happy accident, of course, and John quickly changed his tune.  He went from being anti-children to boasting to his friends and family of the great father he couldn't wait to be.  I, in turn, forgot instantly the resentment and hatred because I'd been given the child he had promised.  I also gained the doting father I knew he'd be.  

So for a time, all was well.  We spent months blissfully happy in our preparations for Vincent.  Even in the weeks and months after Vincent was born, our marriage seemed poised for perfection and all ill-feelings were barely a memory.  

However, babies are not cures for failing marriages.  All of the issues John and I had pushed aside in anticipation for Vincent came rushing back after a spat of sleepless nights and ruptured schedules.  Those resentments, those feelings, those unspoken thoughts of anger - they all erupted to the surface as the days dragged on after the novelty of a son wore off.

So after about a year and a half of enjoying the happy marriage we once shared, things took a volatile turn for the worse as old ill-will seeped to the forefront of our escalating arguments.  I'd accuse him of shirking responsibility and he'd accuse me of being boring on account of staying home with Vincent all the time.  He'd tell me I was becoming someone he couldn't recognize and I'd tell him it was because he was too wrapped up in his own immaturity to realize I was what "growing up" looked like.  

This sort of ridiculousness spun out of control.  Neither of us wanted to take responsibility for our part in how miserable we were making each other.  As a result, we kept taking digs at each other where we could.  It was a terrible way to live since we were constantly looking for ways to spite the other.  

It was this constant barrage of belittlement that John first brought up the word "divorce." We were arguing and he basically stormed out of the house while yelling, "I want a divorce."

I knew he was saying it out of spite and anger.  That didn't lessen the heat of the knife that sliced into my heart.  However, the pain of that outburst only fueled my venomous response.  I would simply hurt him more than he'd hurt me.  I'd make sure he knew never to speak in such a manner to me again.  

And I could.  I'm much better with words than John is, so when I aim to inflict pain, I do it to maim, butcher and bleed.  Every word, every glare, every insinuation was triple charged with disgust, hatred and pride.  I made sure he understood exactly how little I thought of him.  I wanted him to feel just as low, just as unwanted, just as disappointing as he'd made me feel.  

Looking back now, I can easily see how vicious of a cycle this was.  Obviously the more I went out of my way to make him feel miserable, the more he went out of his way to do the same.

So yeah - we were struggling with this sort of poisoned dance for about two years before we finally buckled down and put an end to it.  

Picture
Just as you can.  If we were able to stop the cycle of vitriol, you can too!  If ever you find yourself looking to wound with your words, keep in mind that the damage really will just come back to inflict triple the pain on you once again. 

He and I learned that we were using language to hurt one another - to get the other to feel the pain we each carried.  Since I hated talking about feelings (believe it or not, I LOATHE describing how something makes me feel until the issue is far enough behind me that I can look at it almost clinically), he felt his only recourse was to make me experience what he couldn't share through words.  I, in turn, forced him to do the same because I simply didn't know how to express my feelings in any other way.

Once we understood this about each other (and this is where lots of kicking and screaming came in), we made the effort to kick the habit and focus on positive communication.  
 
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Top Rated Entries

    My Darkest Secret

    Do Animals Have Souls?

    10 Things a Parent of an SPD Kid Wants to Say

    Fun and Easy Lenten Crafts

    Tattoo Taboo

    Blessed Mother as Intercessor

    Loss of Life

    Women Priests II

    Animal Sacrifices

    Render Unto Caesar

    Veiling

    The Godparent Poem

    Broken Friendships

    Miscarriage Reflection

    NYT Anti-Catholic Ad

    Categories

    All
    180
    Abortion
    Adoption
    Adoration
    Adultery
    Agnosticism
    Angels
    Animals
    Annulment
    Apparitions
    Art
    Atheism
    Bahamas
    Baptism
    Blessed Mother
    Blessed-mother
    Blogging
    Books
    Boycott
    Breastfeeding
    Bullying
    Cafeteria Catholic
    Cafeteria Catholics
    Cats
    Ccd
    Celibacy
    Chaput
    Children
    Christmas
    Churches
    Confession
    Conscience
    Contests
    Contraception
    Cookies
    Corapi
    Crafts
    Creation
    Cross
    Defense Of Faith
    Depression
    Divine Mercy
    Divine Providence
    Divine-providence
    Divorce
    Dolan
    Donation
    Dreams
    Easter
    Education
    Eucharist
    Euthanasia
    Evangelization
    Family
    Feasts
    Food
    Forgiveness
    Free Will
    Friendship
    Fun
    Gaza
    Guest Post
    Hat Tip
    Health Care
    Heaven
    Hebrew
    Hhs
    Holy Week
    Homeschooling
    Homily
    Homosexuality
    Illumination
    Incarnation
    Incorruptibles
    Indulgences
    Infertility
    Inspiration
    Intentions
    Intercession
    Intercessions
    Interview
    Islam
    Jewelry
    Kidney
    Komen
    Language
    Lawsuit
    Lbm
    Lent
    Lightbulb Moments
    Liturgy
    Mandate
    Marriage
    Martyrs
    Mass
    Media
    Medjugorje
    Mercy
    Mexico
    Miracles
    Miscarriage
    Moderation
    Moses
    Motherhood
    Music
    Myla
    Nuns
    Old Testament
    Parenting
    Parishes
    Pedophilia
    Pentecost
    Persecution
    Personal
    Philadelphia
    Philly
    Pilgrimage
    Planned Parenthood
    Poetry
    Politics
    Poll
    Pope
    Prayer
    Pregnancy
    Priests
    Prophecy
    Propoganda
    Purgatory
    Question Box
    Quick Takes
    Random
    Recipes
    Reflections
    Relics
    Religious Freedom
    Reviews
    Ridiculous
    Rosary
    Sacrament
    Sacrifice
    Saint
    Saints
    Scandal
    School
    Science
    Seed
    Sewing
    Sexuality
    Sin
    Social Issues
    Social Issues
    SPD
    Spiritual Dryness
    St Anthonybd986ec1d5
    Steubenville
    Suffering
    Tattoos
    Terrorism
    TLM
    Triduum
    Trinity
    Trust
    Twa
    Vatican
    Veiling
    Veils
    Vincent
    Visionaries
    Wedding
    Women Priests

    Pages I Stalk

    A Woman's Place
    Dymphna's Road
    Having Left the Altar
    Fr. Z @ WDTPRS
    Spirit Daily
    These Stone Walls
    St. Joseph's Vanguard
    Catholic Sistas
    Catholic Icing
    Liturgical Time
    Traditional Latin Mass
    Shameless Popery
    Life Victorious
    Catholic Dads
    S'aint Easy
    Truth, Beauty and Goodness
    The Way Out There
    Written by the Finger of 
       God
    Little Catholic Bubble
    So You're a Church Musician
    There and Back Again
    Make It - Love It
    St. Monica's Bridge
    Seeking Renewal 
    Picture

    Archives

    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    February 2017
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    December 2010
    October 2010
    October 2005

    RSS Feed

Copyright 2021