Secrets Aren't Secrets Forever - Part III: The Talk

6/4/2013

As I said before, my MIL is a genuinely sweet person who really does go out of her way to make you feel welcome, cared for and loved. So when she took the accidental leap into "Crap hits the fan" territory, I wanted her to know my broken feelings were NOT the result of her sticking her nose where it didn't belong. I love the fact that she cares enough to ask these questions.

So when I had finally composed myself and felt ready to talk without falling into a snotty mess of tears, I positioned my beach chair in front of her and had the talk that I maybe should've had months ago.

I explained, without vilifying John, that we had come to the decision that Vincent was it for us. After all, we can't compromise on half a baby, so in order to protect our marriage, I agreed to relinquish my right to more children. Yes, it still hurts when I think of all those children I will always - ALWAYS - yearn for, but there is no point in damaging our marriage further by harassing John on a regular basis about it. We spent three years that way and finally managed to pull ourselves out of it.

So I asked that she not try to persuade John. It'd just make him angry that she was trying to get involved in a decision he feels as though he has every right to make. I'm not supporting his decision as right. I don't believe it is - on any level. But that's something that most of you wonderful readers already know. No point in re-beating a dead horse.

I explained all of this to her in concise, direct language so that she understood John's perspective. My goal was to prevent John from hearing about it later. He'd only end up feeling as though I'd gone behind his back to get his mom on my side or something.

So I presented a united front to her (which I have no doubt she'll take back to his family). I said that while I'd always be open to more children, I understand John's decision and cannot do anything to change his mind. Thus, for the sake of our marriage, I've tried to put my intense desire for children aside.

That was that. She understood and she then opened up about various situations that mirrored or held similarities to mine. I know she was trying to make me feel better. Honestly, though, I felt better knowing that she knew. She might not know the depths of my pain, but she at least knows not to bring me to the precipice anymore. And I feel as though I'll no longer hold the blame for not giving her and her husband the grandchildren they, also, want.

So that was the talk - finally. Later that night I told John that I'd had it with her so he was ready for any subsequent questions he might get from his parents (though I'm pretty sure that I DID handle the issue, so he very likely won't hear anything further).

Ah well. I'm honestly glad it's out in the open now. That particular secret really is a bear sometimes...

13 Comments

Dom

6/4/2013 11:33:29 am

I have to say, Gina, that as much as I love and respect you, this troubles me greatly. You are not only protecting John from the natural consequences of his decision (and it IS his decision), to cut short your mutual family tree, but from the perspectives of people - his people - who are too, profoundly affected by his inability to commit to new life. It isn't just about you and him, you see? It's about Vincent, and his parents, and yours, and...

I know you know all this. I do. But again, I can't help but feel that you're actively enabling a very self-centred, childish line of thought on his part. The fact that he walked away from the conversation with his mother, leaving you to answer the questions that he KNEW must inevitably come... This sounds alarm bells for me on levels that I can't even begin to describe.

Love him. Oh, my dear, love him... But stop treating him like a child himself. He needs to understand EVERYTHING; to take responsibility for this decision of his, and he has no right to demand that you *defend* this position that he has taken, when every fiber of your being feels that it is indefensible. That is hardly loving on HIS part, is it - and it sounds, honestly, that he, consciously or not, put you right smack in the position where he knew you'd do it for him. ItIf he doesn't want children... LET HIM TELL PEOPLE. DO not, do not, EVER do it for him. It lets him hide from the pain he is causing, that he should KNOW, (if he doesn't already) that he is causing. That way, trust me, trust me, trust me... can lead to nothing but absolute disaster.

I'm praying for you, so hard. xoxox

Gina

6/4/2013 02:40:23 pm

Oh Dom. You know I love you, too. <3 And as always, thanks for the prayers!

However (there's that pesky word you knew was coming!), I'd like to point out that I'm not protecting John so much as protecting myself. I'm actually a lot more selfish than you give me credit for.

I didn't want to be the one to tell his family because, frankly, I don't like being the bearer of bad news. I hate it. It's why I still, for the most part, haven't told anyone about the cervical cancer, why most people don't know about my "infertility" and why I haven't told anyone that season 4 of Game of Thrones has been cancelled.

I just HATE bringing folks terrible news!

(That last part about GoT is totally untrue, BTW. Season 4 is already well on its way.)

Anyway, that being said, I didn't "protect" John's reasoning. I told my MIL I didn't agree with him nor did I find his rationale the best. I simply told her I understood where he was coming from (because I do) and accepted that, as of now, there is nothing more to be done or said on the matter without risking our marriage (except prayer, of course, and you know there's a lot of that going on!).

I want her to know we are united in this decision. I've accepted it for now (with the prayerful hope that things change one day), so there is no need for her to confront him about it.

Bringing her into things would not help. It'd only end up hurting us because he'd feel bullied and attacked. It'd just make our relationship suffer, and given the hell I've only recently come back from, I'm not about to rock the boat by starting pointless arguments (because it would be completely pointless).

As for "let him tell people," of course. That's what I've been allowing him to do. Again, this this not something I run around telling folks (aside from you fine readers). Only my very close friends know. I don't think even my full immediate family is aware of the situation.

The only reason I 'fessed up this weekend was because I was caught off guard. With no time to mask my emotions, it all sorta just came out. Otherwise, I'd've done what I normally do and completely deflect the comment and move on. No one would be even slightly aware that, inside, my heart was being run through a shredder.

Finally, regarding the fact that it's not just about John and I, obviously I'm in total agreement with you. I feel terribly guilty that I can't provide the grandchildren both sets of parents want. Their desire for more, however, pales in comparison to mine, and if mine can be pushed aside at present for the survival of our marriage, theirs can wait, too. I hate to sound like a jerk when I put it that way, but the priority SHOULD be my marriage, nuclear family, extended family. Without our marriage, our nuclear family would fall apart which would ripple out and effect the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.

So with that in mind, yes... I will continue to present a united front that is both honest regarding my feelings on the matter as well as protective of the decision that John and I have made - together - for the benefit of our marriage (and family).

I realize that sounds so counter-intuitive given the emotional toll, but I believe it is the right one. God had rewarded the sacrifice with a strong, healthy marriage that stands a fighting chance at opening back up to life down the road.

Not all miracles are granted overnight. *Grin*

Anyway, John might not be the best at bearing bad news to his mother. Can you blame him? Sure he made a wrong decision, but as I was trying to figure out ways to tell my own mother this particular issue, I, too, was at a loss. I actually waited until I was about to hit "publish" on the My Darkest Secret" entry. The only reason I said anything, then, was because I didn't want her to stumble across it randomly. Otherwise, I probably would've kept my mouth shut about it.

In such tender areas as this, it's hard to just "come out with everything." So while John's reaction to his mother was certainly wrong, I've reacted in a very similar way when faced with such circumstances.

In the end, it all worked out and I truly think this was God's little respite for me. It was the best way this conversation could have unfolded, and with all the children that are being born in the next few months to our family / group of friends, it's nice to know I won't be getting the "So... when are you guys next?" questions that would have been asked otherwise.

:)

<3 you.

Gina

6/4/2013 02:40:48 pm

Dang - that was like another entry itself!

*blush*

Fr Levi link

6/5/2013 01:52:45 am

Hi Gina,

you're in a tough position, and I don't want to make things tougher, but I do have a concern (beyond the other obvious concerns :-) ).

We all know that contraception is not completely effective. If I understand right, if it is used correctly (that is following the manufacturers instructions to the letter) it is 'effective' about 95% of the time; but humans are fallible etc, etc so I think the actual rate is more like 85 - 90 %.' So there's probably reasonable odds of a healthy, fertile young woman like yourself falling pregnant again, despite the will of man on this issue. I'm sure you'd take such an event for the blessing that it would be, but (& here is the concern) what happens then? Is this something that you and John have factored into your discussions around this?

But, then, maybe I'm going deeper than I ought with you on this - if I am, just ignore :-)

Gina

6/5/2013 02:13:06 am

You're right on all levels. But John and I have definitely had this discussion (I even factored it into my talk with his mom).

Given the circumstances of Vincent's pregnancy, I have no doubt John would be excited all over again. It's the prospect of pregnancy that scares him. Should I be blessed with another pregnancy, he'd probably be excited just as quickly as he was for Vince after the initial shock wore off.

However, even knowing that, I won't do anything to "sabotage" his choice of BC because if this miracle should occur, it's gonna occur on HIS end so I cannot be held in any way responsible for the outcome.

If he had even an inkling that I did something like that, we'd have an entirely different issue on our hands because I'd have broken his trust. Instead of being excited about a child, he'd be hurt and offended by his wife.

So when and if we're ever blessed with another child (because if God Wills it, then nothing John can do will ever prevent it), I want to make sure the focus is joy for this blessing, not anger or hurt feelings from John.

:)

I'm pretty sure in all the years I've handled this particular issue, I've covered all my bases at least thirty times. *Grin* But it's a good point to raise for those who haven't.

Bee

6/5/2013 11:01:28 pm

Gina, I have a lot of compassion for you and know you’ve been trying to present this situation in a clear and fair way since you first posted about it. I know you've made your decision about how to handle this situation after many prayers and struggles over a long period of time and finally came to the conclusion that you will go along with John and live out this cross. I get that. I get that you also counseled with priests and got advice and tried to discern what you should do, and are trying to do that. But I know if this were me, after I made that decision I could never not be open about it with my family and close friends and even distant relatives. I would have told anyone who asked (except maybe children; that’s a bit trickier), simply “John doesn’t want any more children. I do, but he doesn’t.” If I cried, I’d cry. I would let them know it hurt me. I would have told John what I was going to say when people asked and that I would tell them they needed to ask him any follow up questions. I think secrets like this are really toxic. I think this kind of secret is like hiding alcoholism or drug abuse; everyone wonders what is going on but no one comes out and says anything. It really screws up relationships and people. You should not have to defend this, or make excuses, or act contrary to your true feelings about this with those who love you. That is the recipe for depression. Trying to keep people from taking sides by holding back your thoughts and feelings is not going to really work. For whatever reason you felt it was right to not tell people, you should know the people who care about you want what is best for you and need to know the truth. No one needs to be inside your marriage, of course, but John surely should have known the families were going to wonder why only one kid and ask about it. It is not purely a private matter. I’m glad your MIL finally knows. I’m sure this is rolling through his side of the family like a cannonball, and you’ll finally get some relief from trying to mask your true feelings. I think you should be ready for follow up discussions because they will surely come. I think it’s alright to say, “I am not okay with this, but I can’t do anything about it. I’m not divorcing him, so what can I do? I’m not going to punish him by withholding intimacy, so what can I do? It hurts me every day.” If it annoys him that they will now pester him about it, and try to talk with him, don’t let him blame you. Tell him if he’s made a decision he will have to deal with others opinions about that and it’s not yours to take on. It shouldn’t be up to you to protect him and them. And lastly, I think you ought to figure out what you are going to say to Vincent because he is going to start to wonder what the problem is between you and John. He is sure to pick up on any tension this causes between you two, but he won’t know what’s wrong, so he’ll assume he is the problem. When I was seven, my dad got fired. I thought he got fired because I didn’t do my math homework the night before. No kidding. Kids blame themselves. Big secrets in families are never good.

Dom

6/6/2013 09:11:31 am

This is what I was trying to say. :P

bee

6/6/2013 10:12:29 am

Dom,
I know, and I think you said it much better than I did. I'm too long winded. I guess I just wanted to express it too. :-)

Dom

6/6/2013 10:32:11 am

No, no. No criticism intended! I meant I thought you said it much better!

bee

6/6/2013 11:07:35 pm

No offense taken! :-) Anyway, your post is probably what spurred a lot of what I wrote. I just go on and on though, while you were very succinct.

Gina

6/11/2013 01:40:40 pm

You ladies make me laugh. :)

I appreciate so much your concern. I think at this point you both know I do - very much. It truly makes me feel so loved that you go out of your way to warn me of the oncoming train you're afraid I've mistakenly welcomed as sunshine. I'm truly blessed you still put up with me on here! *Grin*

However, please let me assure you that I'm not the hero you're making me out to be. Your concern, I fear, is the result of my inability to properly articulate the complex situation I find myself in.

I didn't keep silent to protect John. I actually kept silent to protect myself.

You might be surprised to learn this, but I'm not forthcoming - at all - about my personal life. Online, I feel protected by my monitor... no one can see me as I mercilessly crush my keyboard with emotional tidal waves. My monitor masks the tears... it covers the awkward pauses... it hides away those moments where I can't bear to dwell on a particular topic.

Online, I’m able to make the rules that govern my response to situations. For example, I’m able to choose when (and if) I want to discuss a touchy subject. I’m able to allow certain responses or hide ones I find questionable. I’m able to put some responses on the backburner while I allow myself time to come down from emotional cliffs (which is why you guys are hearing from me today as opposed to several days ago).

In the real world, I can’t do that. I can’t always be prepared for curve-ball questions. I certainly can’t always control the when and how of my responses. So for the most part, in order to protect myself from situations like the one I found myself in two weeks ago, I keep them hidden. I have an arsenal of prepared responses given the inevitability of this particular topic, but what better defense to have than allowing others to believe all is well with the world?

So in my eyes, the hidden pain I carried was a much smaller price to pay. A much smaller price.

Thus, as you can see, I wasn’t so much protecting John as I was protecting myself. Even now, only a handful of folks know I struggle with this. The only reason my mom found out was because I hit the “Publish” button on that Darkest Secret entry last year. I told her was because I didn’t want her to find out online.

Since then I’ve learned to be more open about the situation with her, but it’s all been on my terms and with a very controlled emotional stance.

Many of our friends are unaware that this is our reality. I think maybe three or four of my friends know. I’m not sure if my mother explained things to my sisters / brother or not. I never did.

I just don’t like sharing that sort of stuff because it inevitably leads to questions that I’m not necessarily emotionally strong enough to handle.

So while I think it’s great you’re secure enough to allow your family/friends to see you cry, I’m not there… I might not ever be. It’s just not who I am.

Heck, that’s 99% of the reason I haven’t told anyone about the cervical cancer, either. I hate being the bearer of bad news and feeling as though others pity me or something, ya know? So I’m basically a huge wuss when it comes to emotional vulnerability. I’m much more comfortable making others laugh.

Thus, I come to the computer. I find solace in my online world where I’m able to vent my emotions and find solace and support from you fine folks. It might not be the world’s most ingenious solution, but it does work really well for me. It’s also worked really well for our marriage given that John and I are so much happier than we have been in a very long time.

So please don’t think I’m trying to defend John, his position, or even those who might be effected by the news. It's really my own self-preservation mechanism.

When the time presents itself to have this convo with folks, I have it (as is evidenced by this conversation with my MIL). However, it's not something I'll ever excitedly jump right in with, ya know?

As for Vincent, I've got him worked out pretty good. But I guess we'll see how that pans out when he does ask questions. I fully expect him to, and I've already thought long and hard about it. It's also something John and I have discussed as well. So no worries... like I said - I've had a whole lotta time to think about this.

My love to you guys for being so wonderful.

<3

Theresa

6/6/2013 03:39:37 am

Hi Gina,

I think you have made the right conclusion that preserving your marriage needs to be the priority, because in doing so you are maintaining the family unit which in the end should be best for Vincent. My concern is that, even though you are a very strong woman, the burden of shouldering the responsibility of John's decision along with the everyday issues associated with being a working wife and mother may ultimately result in placing additional strain on your relationship, let alone what effect it would have on you personally. Your MIL sounds like a very special woman, and I think sharing the actual circumstances with her will help you deal with them. I pray that it does not become an issue that would fester and ultimately undo all that you have built and are trying to preserve. You know that I have experienced trying to work around an issue trying to adhere to what I perceived as my family's wishes, and ultimately found that in them knowing my intense feelings they were able to see my needs and understand and accept them. I know how up front and honest you are, so I am sure you have made your desire for more children clear to your husband. Marriage is sharing love and responsibility. I do pray that John would see your need to give and share life with more children. I know with your strength and faith, you will things out. We will all keep praying if God's will is for you to have more children, that John will welcome them and know greater joy and fulfillment.

Terri

Gina

6/11/2013 01:42:54 pm

<3 Thank you. I know we've talked about variations of this and I do believe you have a pretty keen insight into my reasons for how I'm handling this. Funny how we can find such striking similarities given the vast differences between our scenarios, huh?

As always, my appreciation for your prayers. No doubt you know of my continued ones. :)

I'm so glad we found each other that day!

Secrets Aren't Secrets Forever - Part III: The Talk

Part I can be found here.

Part II can be found here.

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