Today marks the start of the most bittersweet week of the year for me. I'd say my heart is caught between crushing grief and appreciative joy, but that's not true. I've been struggling hard against anxiety and anger the last few weeks, and since this week leads up to the culmination of those emotions, I'm more upset than I am happy. I don't actually feel happy at all.
Myla's anniversary is this week. My niece's 10th birthday is today. Nate's birthday is Friday. His party is Saturday. And this weekend marks the last that I won't have to send him off with Vince to his father.
I've gotten so much flack for planning Nate's party late this year. People are complaining that it's inconvenient, or they have other plans, or I should've been more proactive about finding a better venue. The truth of the matter is I probably SHOULD have done all of those things. The problem, however, is that I couldn't.
I physically couldn't bring myself to make any plans for Nathan's 1st birthday party, because instead of it being the celebration it should be, in my mind, it's simply marking the fact that I will have to give him up every other weekend to the man-child who didn't even want him to begin with. To the person who actively made my pregnancy with Nathan so incredibly hard. To the person who frankly doesn't deserve either of the children I've given him.
Every time I tried to think about a party for Nate, my heart would shatter. The fact that I was able to put anything together at all is a miracle, because each decoration I purchased, each favor I checked out and each dessert I ordered was like a punch to the gut. I didn't want to be celebrating the end of my weekends with Nate, but that's precisely what it felt like I was doing, and it made me so incredibly angry because yet again, the selfish, irresponsibility of John has negatively impacted me. Not him, because he bears no consequences for his immaturity. As usual, I'm the one who bears the burden of loss.
But no one else recognizes that. To them, it appears I'm just an unorganized mother who left the birthday details until the last minute.
On top of that, Myla's anniversary is Wednesday. I was in Babies R Us this past weekend and I was assaulted with sadness that I wasn't buying cute little dresses for Myla, who would be 2 years old by now. Instead, I'm "celebrating" her 3 year anniversary of becoming a saint. And again, no one in the world cares about this loss but me. She was never anything more than a frustrating speed bump for John and to the rest of the world, not even a clump of cells. She was nothing, and that hurts, too, because my daughter was not "nothing." She will never be "nothing." But because the rest of the world can't stomach the taboo of miscarriage, she will remain tucked away in the "nothing" category meaning my feelings and grief and frustration are meaningless and unwelcome.
But I'm struggling SO HARD to recognize that there are blessings here. Myla's a saint, after all. That's all a mother can truly wish for her children. And Nathan is a year old. My miracle child is a year old. I was blessed with newborn smiles, tottering first steps, messy spaghetti faces, coos, giggles, and milestones that were denied to me for so long. What's more, I have a year's worth of memories shared between brothers with a lifetime more to come. Seeing how much Vincent and Nathan love each other... there is no greater joy for me than that. There really isn't. My heart overflows with gratitude when I see them play together. God is good. Life is terribly, terribly hard, but God is so, so good.
So here I am. This week is already proving incredibly difficult. There are moments I feel as though I can't breathe from the anxiety. But there are also moments in which I feel my heart gain traction over my thoughts as it recognizes the silver linings God has placed amongst the storm clouds.
St. Myla Therese, pray for your momma. Pray for your brothers. Pray for your wayward father. Ask the Blessed Mother to get me through this week. Love you, sweetie.
7/18/2016 12:47:19 pm
(hug) She means something to us - the ones who read this. Don't ever think she doesn't.
7/18/2016 01:03:25 pm
Maybe I've been a bad friend. I knew you were having a hard time with planning, I should have offered more help. I think of Myla often, how she would have been friends with Lily and Madison. I've told you before I truly believe she watches over them and keeps them safe. HUGS .... If you need anything let me know.
7/18/2016 01:55:59 pm
You psychopath. Don't ever for a second think you've been anything less than awesome. Yesterday was the best thing ever, and of all my friends, you are the one who doesn't feel weird about mentioning Myla. :)
7/18/2016 01:34:08 pm
Hugs to you and the boys. I hate that Nate's special day is being shadowed because of John and people who don't understand how hard this time is for you. Just know that you have so many people who love you and the boys and are watching over them.
7/19/2016 11:48:54 am
Gina, this is your baby and his birthday. You don't need to accommodate anybody. Either they come or they don't but whatever they do it is not your fault.
8/15/2016 01:46:45 pm
I haven't been on your site for over a year so I had no idea about everything that has been going on in your life. I totally relate to your experiences with selfish men (at least yours is not a pedophile, but how sad that this is the only thing I could think of to cheer you up). Your boys are so beautiful, they just glow. I do think of you often and to spoil the surprise early, but to let you know that I really do think of and pray for you, I am planning on getting Vince, Nate, and Myla these adorable little snow globes with praying children inside them for Christmas. Blue for the boys and pink for Myla. They are not time consuming like quilts are so I can make this happen by Christmas. So very sorry to hear about all this and I just beamed a prayer up for you. Personally, I found being a single parent in both protestant and especially Roman Catholic churches to be a very painful experience. Pope Francis helped me with that so much. I saw him on Channel 10 (I think it was that channel, and I think it was 20/20) and he scyped into three Churches in the USA and they brought some single parent families forward to speak directly with Pope Francis. Some were sobbing, as was I watching it. God will reward you Gina, and He will bless you beyond your wildest dreams if you trust in Him. I have 35 years of experience with this and He is faithful to His word. I like Joel 2:25 "I will repay you for the years the locust has eaten (NIV) or I will repay you double what the swarming locust has eaten (NAB, revised edition). That was my life verse from 1989 until sometime during the past 10 years or so as I got to know my Roman Catholic faith. You are in my prayers Gina. Take care!
8/16/2016 07:31:23 am
9/14/2016 09:29:56 pm
First time reader, second time commenter. It is a sad club to belong to - the mother of heavenly saints who so long for time with earthly children. You candid honesty is so raw; how dare anyone judge you when you are clearly doing the best that you can for you and yours. All relationships are marked by ups and downs - and I think that includes our relationship with ourselves. We are imperfectly perfect because He made us. Be kind to yourself. You are perfect the way you are.
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