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Venting - Again

7/30/2013

10 Comments

 
You guys must think I complain a lot.  I wonder if you think I am constantly venting to random people about my personal life given how candid I am on this blog.

Truth is, I don't.  Most people are completely unaware of my current struggles.  My mom knows... three friends know... one coworker knows... and possibly a sibling or two depending on who my mom might've said something to.   Besides that, I've been completely mum on the entire subject.  

As I said before, I'd rather remain silent than cry.  Talking about this, when I'm not in full control of the conversation, will inevitably make me cry.  So I don't say anything and I pretend everything is perfectly fine.

That being said, I'm NOT perfectly fine.  I understand that, and I accept that.  I'm not a heaping mess of tears in the corner, either, though.  Right now, I feel like an actor going through the motions of life.  

It's not that I don't trust my family, friends or coworkers with what's going on.  It's just... how do you bring something like this up?  What's the point even if I do?  Pity?  No thank you.

So far, reactions thus far to my situation have been a mixed bag.

Some folks (my husband included) think I deluded myself into believing I was pregnant.
Some folks sorta roll their eyes and think I'm being a hypochondriac because even if it was an early miscarriage, it's not like it's a big deal or anything.
Finally, some folks (you readers included) have been kind and understanding.

Truthfully, I think I keep my mouth shut because most people I'd tell would likely fall into the first two categories.  The first two reactions to my situation are very, very hurtful, so I don't bother opening myself up for that sort of emotional suicide.

I don't really speak much on this topic at all which is why the brunt of my venting happens through this blog.

The reason I bring this up is because one of the friends who knows made a comment that made me stop in my tracks.  She's known me since college.  While we were talking, she asked how this weekend went and I said, "It went better than I expected, honestly."  She then said (and I'm physically cringing while writing this) "Yeah, I figured you were over everything from all the photos you posted."

I actually didn't know what to say. 

It's true that I'd posted photos of a birthday party I'd attended.  I had actually been contemplating NOT going on account of what had been going on, but my friend, Jay, was really looking forward to it.  Plus, I knew that my other friends, Frank and Megan, would be there, too, and I didn't want to bail last minute on the birthday girl.  

So I went.  I'm glad I did because I was very proud of how I handled myself.  It was like a test-run for how I could survive my own family or in-laws gathered together for whatever holiday comes up next.  I was determined not to be a downer for Jay, and I was determined not to let on that I was anything but the happiest match-maker in the country.

Photos are a part of who I am.  If I wasn't taking photos, my friends would've known something was wrong.  So take pictures I did, and I made sure they were happy ones.  

And truth be told, I did feel happy in some of them.  I did enjoy my time at the party meeting new people and catching up with old friends.  However, just because I appeared to be the pristine model of happiness does not mean nothing was hidden behind the smile. 

Those pictures didn't capture the moment I walked from the dance floor because the image of a brother dancing with his little sister  was too much for me.  They didn't capture the temporary fumbling for composure I had when one of the friends who does know asked how I was fairing.  They also didn't capture the five minutes I spent in the bathroom after being asked by a guest when my husband and I would be having more children.

I actually laugh thinking back at that adorable woman asking in a Polish accent, "But just one?  You're young, you're young.  Have many!"

So yes.  Of course I looked happy in those pictures.  I wasn't gonna go parade myself around with running mascara and a Mopey Mary complex.  I was what I needed to be, and I actually took pride in my ability to compartmentalize my emotions.  It made me feel stronger... ready for whatever family function I'd have in the upcoming months that might be a little tough.  

But no - just because I'm able to plaster a smile on my face at-will... just because I'm able to crack a joke or dance with a friend during a party... none of that means I'm "over everything."

What does that even mean, anyway???

Did she think I was no longer emotionally raw?  That maybe I'd finished grieving or that I'd finally convinced myself I wasn't pregnant to begin with?  Or maybe I had accepted my circumstances and she'd never have to wait for the next awkward time it came up in conversation?

I seriously had no idea.  So I asked.  I said, "What do you mean by 'over everything'?"

She said, "Oh, I didn't mean anything by it.  I meant that I figured you were okay with, ya know... what happened.  You looked happy."

Times like this, I wonder how Jesus remained sinless, because you just know He had similar experiences with Peter or the other apostles.

"I look happy, Peter?  That's what you've got?  I look happy?  You're supposed to be one of My best friends.  Did you really think I'd just "get over" losing My cousin, John?  Just because I'm enjoying a nice meal with you and these 5,000+ people doesn't mean I'm not still hurting for My cousin."



Oh sigh.  He not only remained sinless and didn't snark back at Peter, He went ahead and performed a miracle and fed a bunch of people - all while He mourned the passing of John the Baptist.  

I didn't snark back, but I was wounded.  I just pointed out that while I was happy for most of the party, there were moments of struggle that I'm sure will repeat in the coming weeks and months.  

So why am I share all of this?  Why am I posting about it?

Because I've come to realize the internet (and society in general) has woefully inadequate information on this particular situation.  No one knows how to talk about miscarriages - ESPECIALLY early ones.  No one knows what to say or how to handle their friends who might be going through such an emotional free-fall.  

So I'm going to document it as best I can.  I'm going to chronicle my journey in the hopes that it eventually helps someone, somewhere, struggling to either endure this situation, or looking to help a friend endure it.  

Plus, on a personal level, I just feel better typing. 
10 Comments
Nicole NP
7/30/2013 07:30:22 am

Man, do I wish we lived closer to each other so we could vent to one another! I also didn't tell too many people when I miscarried (my parents, my in-laws, my sister-in-law, and you ) because I couldn't stand to talk about it. The few times I did talk about it, I either cried or got upset when people said unintentionally hurtful things. It's been 9 months, and no, I'm not over it. In fact, my due date was this week. So this week has been a little precarious emotionally.

For anyone to think you got "over it" in a week because you went to a party rather than throwing yourself a pity party in your basement is absurd. But it's also not surprising. Like you said, no one talks about miscarriages. They're such a painful subject that it's hard to bring up, let alone have an honest conversation about it. And when it's an early one? Before you had the joy of sharing the news and shopping for your little one? It's both easier and harder. It's easier because you don't have to explain what happened over and over, and deal with so many clueless people. But Lord, it is so much harder because you were ready in your heart and that grief is taking the place of joy, and so few people can understand why. "You were only a few weeks, it could've been worse." Yes it could've been worse, but it could also have been a baby in your arms in 9 months! That knowledge is enough to make anyone ache.

Just know that you are not alone in your grief and anger. There's so many of us who know the pain and are here for you *hugs.*

Reply
Gina
7/30/2013 09:22:35 am

<3 You said it so much better than I could.

And {hugs} to you, too. You've been on my mind quite a bit since that little incident with the angel.

All my love, especially this week, to you guys.

Reply
Shalimamma link
7/30/2013 09:31:35 am

Gina.... I won't reiterate everything from the couple of comments Ieft yesterday (and I understand you confiding in those closest to you, even though I am here grieving with you!!)... But I wanted to add in something that struck my heart in this article... that your hubby thinks you may have fabricated your miscarriage. I had this same thing happen to me. It actually REALLY divided us for about a month to the point where we had our one and only brief (3 days) separation. I haven't blogged about that or told many people, but what the hay. Couples struggle. I could not BELIEVE the feeling I had that he lacked compassion THAT much for his own flesh and blood, and his own wife. I am not, and will not, ever, judge YOUR hubby and your situation, because what you need most of all is support, and that's to me kind of why you have this blog. But I did feel compelled to tell you of my experience. I always kind of wondered why no one else really talked about their spouse's reactions, or I kind of thought that maybe every other wife besides me has a doting husband who sends them flowers and gets a tear in their eye about a miscarriage (I've actually seen husbands like that). I remember deep anger... like, don't you realize this is YOUR baby, too?!?!? I have come to conclude that men don't have the experience we mothers do with a miscarriage. We have it all happening inside us, and we feel it with every ounce of our being, complete with post partum hormones. We are the ones that bleed and cramp and fear and see what...who... we lost. They don't. It's like pregnancy itself. There is no way a husband can really get labor, or all the aches and pains of carrying a child.... BUT, they also don't get the same joy, I believe, of having a life within us. I want to encourage you in that I don't think you are the only one experiencing this.

Also, I would never encourage separation for anyone. That was what he and I knew we needed, and it brought great healing... I also knew that it was more that we needed some time alone to regroup, like a retreat. And I knew a short separation for us wasn't going to harm our marriage because we are committed for life, warts and all.

Seriously, do contact me if you feel the need to.... no pressure. I wish I was near you. I echo the sentiments of Nicole above. You are not alone. And these friends who are reacting a certain way... sometimes you can find out through suffering who your real friends are. I have been guilty of not being graceful with other people's pain. I find that many friends in the past kind of just ignored me when I was suffering. I think your friends mean well. If they react really badly, well, that may be a clue that you are not on the same page as much as you thought. Either way... hugs, my friend ;)

Love,
shalimamma

Reply
Shalimamma link
7/30/2013 09:43:20 am

Gina... one more thing... you mentioned how the internet doesn't have much in the way of dealing with early miscarriage. Here is the article and poem I wrote when I finally grieved my loss, 2 months after it occurred. I lost my baby at 8 weeks in the womb, last November 11th. I hope this helps you and anyone else struggling with the same loss. It is barely adequate as we all have to walk through a valley of tears, but we can at least let each other know you are NOT alone. (((hugs)))

"The Day I Lost You... A Tribute to Lily and Her Generation"

http://wp.me/pDsmd-wk

Reply
Gina
7/31/2013 04:34:08 pm

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Shalimar, I've kept up with you the whole time. *Sheepish grin* I know I've commented on Krys' things more than yours, but I've been a steady stalker. I saw everything you wrote, but truthfully, I felt so inadequate responding to you beyond the e-mails we exchanged back and forth. So I prayed for you. I felt it was better than me trying to trip over my tongue while hurting you more.

As for spousal reactions, yeah... I guess most people don't talk about them because they want to keep everything neat and tidy. I'm more concerned with warning folks about reality because I sorta wish people did that for me. For those who stumble across this blog a year or so from now while looking for support, I want them to see a realistic response to a heartwrenching situation.

In this case, John isn't intentionally callous... he is just new to the situation the same as me. He probably doesn't know what to say or how to do anything any better than I do. So we're going through it together, and Lord, it ain't pretty. But I fully expect us to come out on the other side in one piece, and I want folks to see that. I want folks who might be experiencing similar pain to know that eve though the war is messy, you can survive and come out on the other side stronger.

So thanks for the vote of confidence. I appreciate that and your prayers and hugs. I send them back a thousand-fold. I'm also excited to hear tell of your rainbow baby's grand entrance.

<3 <3 <3

Reply
Cam link
7/30/2013 09:57:45 am

Oh Gina! I wish I could hug you! My heart is breaking for you...

I think it's very hard for a lot of people, especially in our culture which doesn't put much value on a not yet born baby's life, to understand how truly painful it is when you lose a little one who you've imagined holding in your arms. But to expect you to have "gotten over it" so quickly... sigh...

It was two years ago this week (today I believe...) that I saw our baby's heartbeat for the first and only time and was told it was unlikely he'd live (the 15th of August is the day we count as the anniversary of his death)... And I don't think it's something you ever "get over." It has gotten easier... but those days still stand out in my mind and I still find myself laying in bed thinking about him... or feeling sad when I see a baby that's the age he would have been. And if people had responded in the way you've heard I think I would have snapped (so vent away!).

Praying for you sweetie... You are an amazing, strong woman. Sending you internet hugs...

Reply
Ginaq
7/31/2013 04:37:01 pm

{hugs}

Ya know, Cam, almost all of my experience with miscarriage stemmed from how you handled Christian's. My heart broke over and over for you as you openly shared what must've been the most agonizing journey of your life. I've thought of those posts often the last few days and have taken a lot of strength from them.

So thank YOU for being a model of strength and faith. I honestly don't know how I'd've handled this without some sort of "what to expect" guideline to fall back on.

<3

You and your family are in my prayers. Always.

Reply
Kathryn H.
7/30/2013 12:04:18 pm

Just before this happened to you, I read another Catholic mother's blog post honoring the anniversary this summer of the loss of her baby, who would have been born around Easter. She referred to this website as a place of support and encouragement: http://www.october15th.com/. October 15 is "Infant Loss and Pregnancy Remembrance Day." I thought I'd post that link here in case it is helpful or comforting to anyone to know such a memorial exists. I am praying for you and for all of you ladies who have lost children.

Reply
Gina
7/31/2013 04:38:13 pm

I know I already e-mailed you, but I'm going to post again here for those who might be interested in the October15 site above.

I did check it out and it's incredible. I'd suggest it to anyone and everyone who is facing similar heartbreak. Thank you, again, Kathryn, for posting this.

<3

Reply
Lucy link
11/5/2013 05:15:18 pm

Thank you so much for this blog!!!! :/ I just miscarried my baby today 11/05/13. I feel lonely and sad. My husband and I are not even speaking which makes it even worse. I'm pretty sure it is not easy on him either. I'm so emotionally distressed, not understanding why it happened. :/ I was almost 8 weeks, emotionally and physically it is very painful.

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