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Victory for Mom = Victory for Vince

9/13/2013

6 Comments

 
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After a great day developing a partnership with Vince's teacher and principal, a call today threw me for a complete loop.

Vince had eaten something that didn't agree with him, and as a result, he had an accident.  

I got a phone call asking me to come for him immediately.  Apparently they do not help children wipe themselves, adjust their clothing, and they certainly will not change a child's clothing after an accident.

I was beyond floored.  I began to argue, but realized I wouldn't get my point across and didn't want Vince being forced to wait any longer than he had to for help.  Sitting by himself in soiled clothing is not only unhygienic, it's embarrassing and upsetting.  I told the teacher I'd speak to her and the principal later as I wanted to contact my husband (who was much closer) so he could come for Vince.

After calling John and making him aware of the situation, I got onto the computer and sent the following letter:


Dear Mrs. X and Principal X,

Obviously I'm contacting you regarding your wiping policy.  Given I'd written to you this morning about the issue, I'm not altogether surprised it reared its head in this manner after lunch.

However, I'd like to make very clear that I am incredibly disheartened by this policy.  As an educator who has been in this situation and changed children ranging from Pre-K through 3rd grade, I am surprised that you don't have some sort of plan in place in the event of an accident- even if that plan is the school nurse, a trusted health care professional.

I understand the basis for your policy.  You're worried about legal repercussions should a child claim inappropriate behavior.

However, fear should never be a substantial reason to allow a child to suffer an embarrassing,  harmful health situation - and that's exactly what this amounts to.

His bowel movement was an abnormal occurrence precipitated by something that didn't agree with his belly.  As such, even if Mrs. X was unable to dedicate time to handle the situation because she had to attend to the class, there was an aid present. If the aid was also wrangling the class (given girls and boys use separate rooms), the nurse can surely be sent for.  

But to leave a child for an indefinite amount of time in a soiled state because you're afraid of being sued, especially after I've made every effort to let you know that I do not view you as enemies, but as partners in my son's development, I'm just floored.

I've been in your situations.  Both of you.  I've been the teacher juggling 20 kids while trying to clean up the one who had an accident, and I've been the principal trying to protect her teacher from any sort of legal worry for being in close proximity to a child's genital area.  


I understand FULLY where both of you are coming from.  Now please understand where I am coming from.  

I know full well that a child's fine motor skills (necessary for properly wiping himself) are not fully functional until they are between 4 and 5 years old.  Vincent is not yet four.  If you need me to, I can get a letter from his pediatrician.  That being said, I expect that should he ever be sick and have an accident like this in the future (which should rarely happen, if it ever happens again at all), he be sent to the nurse's office with his change of clothes.

After all, why else would you request them unless you expected to use them in cases like this?

I am doing everything in my power to make this transition to school possible for Vincent.  I am his willing advocate and I will gladly do everything in my power to fall in line with requests you make of me.  This, however, has me baffled.  You are effectively asking something of my son that is simply physically impossible for him at this point.  He's able to use the bathroom and has some ability to wipe himself, but should he have an accident, there is no preschooler that can handle cleaning him or herself up without the help of an adult.

So as I mentioned above, if you need a letter from his pediatrician, I'd be more than happy to comply.  

I received an e-mail from his teacher about an hour or so later, and just as I responded to her, I got a call from the principal.

I was spot on with my analysis regarding why they wouldn't touch him, but given the points I made and the obvious willingness I've shown in working together in establishing a partnership with them, the principal agreed to allow the nurse to help Vincent should this problem ever arise again.  

However, it was clear that she still expected Vincent to be farther ahead regarding his bathroom capabilities.  I'm still surprised by that given all of my experience with children Vince's age (and even older) has set my expectation that kids that age are going to have accidents and will sometimes need help wiping.

Have my experiences just been wildly different from everyone else's?  What age were your children able to properly wipe themselves?  Button their pants?  Tuck in their shirts?  

I dunno.  I'm glad that his teacher agreed to help him when necessary, and I'm glad the principal agreed to have the nurse could help with this situation in the future, too.  I felt like it was finally something I did right for my son.  I'm all for challenging him, but setting an expectation so high that he has no chance of touching it seems excessive.

It's all due to these ridiculous laws put in place to "protect" children.  All of this fear of pedophiles... we are our own undoing.  The sins that we left fester have given us this as our legacy... stupid policies that end up hurting more than they help.

Ugh.

We're able to teach kids to masturbate and use condoms, but we can't help them with basic hygiene.  What kind of world are we living in anymore?

God help us.

I love his teacher and his principal.  I really do.  They are beyond what I could have ever expected for Vince.  Observing them only made me love and appreciate them more.  They're in my prayers double-time for all the wonderful things they're doing for Vince and all the frustration they're putting up with on account of his difficulty transitioning.  But this was just unacceptable to me, and I'm glad it was addressed sooner rather than later.

Really, I'm just glad I finally feel like I did something right for my kid.  Seems I've been doing a bang up job of screwing things up lately.  It's nice to have a victory every once in a while for him.  

6 Comments
Ann Gray
9/13/2013 04:23:28 pm

Is Vince's school public or parochial? Just hoping that if it's parochial that they would treat him with Christian dignity.

Reply
Gina
10/23/2013 04:02:17 pm

Catholic school. Honestly, they are SO stellar. This was just one of those areas that fell victim to our current state of social affairs.

However, logic prevailed after having a candid discussion with the principal. Like I said, I honestly understand where they're coming from given the ridiculous lawsuits that fly around us.

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Nicole P
9/14/2013 01:21:55 am

Eli is a little younger than Vince (just turned 3 in May) but LOVES to be independent and do things herself, so I've encouraged her to dress herself and attempt wiping herself in the bathroom. She's good at dressing herself, even if her clothes ends up backwards, but wiping herself is something we're still working on. Her arms just aren't long enough to reach behind herself and do a thorough job. For a school to expect this much of a child is crazy! And your situation is why I've been encouraging Eli to try by herself. I know that once she gets to school, no one will coming running to the bathroom when she yells that she needs help, and it's why I've delayed taking her to preschool or even daycare, because I don't want her to feel unwanted or unwelcome because of something she's physically not grown enough to do.

I commend you for standing up to the school because it's horrifying that they would just leave Vince in dirty clothes, basically ostracized from the rest of the class rather than having the common sense and decency to help him in a (for him) scary and embarrassing situation.

Reply
Gina
10/23/2013 04:03:52 pm

Yeah. I'm so glad John was only down the street. He'd've had to wait at least 30 minutes for me to get there from Philly.

Ah well. I'm glad Eli's so independent. That'll be helpful once you've got your new addition - she'll be keen to get be big sister! *Grin*

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Kristen link
9/16/2013 06:55:46 am

I may have missed this but is Vincent in pre-K or in kindergarten? Just curious thinking where the other kids would be in developmentally vs where he is.

I have three kids. My daughter, age 7, has autism. My two sons (4 and 6 this Saturday) are typically developing. My daughter is considered to have "severe autism" and is profoundly non-verbal and is still un-toilet trained and wearing diapers. She is sent to public school as our Catholic schools locally do not offer any form of special education and actually screen for developmental delays. No therapists on staff, no outside therapists coming in etc. And parents have tried with kids to just not tell them and enroll a child, but because the screening is so vigorous they turn them away. So, the only option is public school if you're not able to homeschool. It's not a discriminatory practice, it's that they can't afford to provide the services and would have to charge those families more etc and somehow add building space. (When a friend's son who had been in our parish school since pre-K was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, the school assisted in transitioning him to a local public school.) I only point this out as I am curious to know if your Diocese or this school in particular has any experience with children with delays or disabilities in that it could be the real crux of the issue. The fact that the principal and teacher did not even think of inquiring if the nurse might be acceptable was a little red flag for me. If they don't know, they can't help, basically, has been my experience with my daughter. And sometimes it's not an issue of experience in total but experience with a certain disability in particular.
My daughter is in a classroom with a teacher who only teaches children with autism and her assistants have received specialized training. So, with the diapering, for example, only her teacher, one of her assistants, administrators, or specific other staff members (and only selected substitutes) are allowed to assist her with that. And, the policy for the school system is that if a child has a bowel movement that is "loose" they must be picked up from school and remain out for at least 24 hours or until they are no longer having loose bowel movements. That's across the board, however, I know that to be in a mainstream classroom, students must be able to independently toilet themselves. (Again, this is public school.) I know your issue is the "no wiping" policy and it is my understanding that although children in our district can be cleaned up if they get a bowel movement on their legs etc the teacher is not to wipe the genital area at all. (We don't have sex-ed for kindergarteners here but a pretty comprehensive anti-sex abuse campaign.)

I also noticed at our parish school where my son attends faith formation on Sundays (he is in kindergarten, my older son) there are signs on all the bathroom doors stating that no adults are to be in the student bathrooms during school hours and that this is a Diocesan policy. I asked our DRE because his kids go to school there and he told me this policy was drafted with the input and help of parents in the Diocese and policies like these are reviewed every so often. This particular bathroom policy has gotten over 90% approval consistently here, at least. Would it be possible to find out how the policy was enacted and if there could be a way to amend it? Is it just that school or a Diocesan policy? I bet you'd find other local parents sympathetic to the cause who might be willing to help (strength in numbers.)

Keep on advocating for your son! He is blessed to have such a strong mother who can definitely help him in anyway. Sending prayers that Mary be with you as you continue on your journey!

Reply
Gina
10/23/2013 04:06:04 pm

Pre-K, and due to his SPD, he's definitely behind a bit developmentally.

Due to the new diagnosis he received from his pediatrician, I've been learning a lot about the various things offered in our district - things I simply had no idea existed before!

Thanks for the heads up on places to look and questions to ask. This has been a huge maze for me, but comments like yours tend to help light a candle for me so I have an idea of my next move.

You and your children are in my prayers. <3 Many blessings to you guys!

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