What Do I Do?
I spoke to my husband again last night. Bringing up this topic is so darn nerve-wracking for me because I know how much he hates it.
He might not be the best at talking about this issue, but he’s given me a really wide berth so I could work out handling it on my own. He’s taken Vince for much of the week so I could sleep off some of my depression. He hadn’t really grumbled about the fact that I’ve taken to sleeping in Vince’s bed just so I can cuddle with him since I miss him during the day. He hasn’t complained about the house looking like a tornado ran through, and he even ordered lunch when I didn’t feel like making anything. He might not do well with the verbal part of this process for me, but he’s been great making up for that in other areas.
But I did bring it up again last night because I want him to know that I named the baby. He still bristles at the idea of pregnancy – he physically bristles. But he didn’t say anything and probably swallowed the urge to huff and roll his eyes. He let me talk in the hopes that I’d get it over with as quickly as possible.
I asked him if he was interested in knowing what I named her. He said “No, not really, but if you want to tell me, go ahead.”
That sort of reaction hurts because I can tell he doesn’t believe I was pregnant. I could tell in his voice that he was simply humoring me by “hearing” her name.
I ignored the annoyance in myself and just said, “Myla Therese.”
He said nothing. I don’t even know why I bothered to wait for a reaction. He stared ahead, not even at me, blank-faced.
So I asked, “Do you like it?”
He looked at me with a level glance and said, “No.”
I’m not surprised. Myla isn’t a “normal” name. John likes “normal.”
So I said, “Well, what don’t you like?”
He said, “I’m not going to play that game. I don’t want to be naming anything. If you want to do it, I’m not gonna say anything, but I don’t want to be involved.”
The name “Mia” popped into my head. It’s similar to Myla and simple enough to be “normal.” So I offered that.
He thought for a quick second before shooting that down, too.
How do you tell your husband you want his input because you don’t want him to dislike the one and only thing you can actually give to her?
*sigh, sigh, sigh*
The wall went up and he was done with the conversation before it’d even hit the 2 minute mark.
What can I do? Nothing. And now I feel as though Myla can't be her first name because I don’t want there to be anything about her that her Daddy doesn’t like. Does that make sense?
I don’t know. I just don't know. Frankly, I still go back and forth with my own sanity. Was I pregnant? Yes. I believe I was. But I don’t have proof. I have nothing… now I don’t even have a name.
I feel lost and angry and hurt and confused. I absolutely hate this, and I don’t know what to do with myself. What am I supposed to do with myself? What do I do with any of this?
A friend suggested that maybe I’d just named an aborted baby. There can’t be harm in that, she said. But again, I get angry with myself for going down that road because I feel like I’m denying what actually happened.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I really don’t. This is such a messed up situation in my mind that I can’t fully wrap my head around it. Maybe I am just crazy. I’d like to think I’m too logical for that sort of delusion, but I guess the possibility is always present.
But the possibility of pregnancy is present, too, and it frustrates me to no end that I have no definitive evidence with which to convince John. How do I explain the changes of my body without him writing them off as inconsequential?
And that’s the point that really sticks me, I think. I guess I don’t care if anyone else believes me or not. I expect John to. I want John to. Denying his own child (or his wife’s mental stability) irks me to no end.
But again – what am I to do? What do I actually do to make any of this any better?
I just don’t know.
I hate this. I really, really hate this.
7/31/2013 04:22:09 pm
Father, if I might ask, how did you bring up the subject with your boys? I've been wondering how to talk to Vincent about her. If I even should given he's so young. During prayers, I just had him add her name to the list of folks to pray for (and say "I love you" to).
7/31/2013 05:27:40 pm
Gina, I would really, REALLY not bring it up with Vincent - not till he's much older, and able to make his own neutral and measured assessment of the situation. As antagonistic as John is now, I can not imagine him reacting REMOTELY well to what he could only see as you using his son against him in your disagreements. Honestly, it could damage your marriage beyond repair, and could you imagine the poor little guy's mental/spiritual confusion were John to insist on telling him that there was no baby at all?
7/31/2013 05:36:57 pm
Dom, I think you misunderstood my intention.
I honestly don't remember. I know that our youngest, Malachi, who is six now, has always seemed to know about 'his brothers who weren't born.' I think that we've always just naturally spoken about them when the topic came up & answered his questions when he asked about them. The hardest thing about miscarriage and still-birth, I think, is the way that some people don't want to talk about it, or not treat it as the real loss that it is, and can be bemused by the grief the parents express years later.
7/31/2013 11:19:52 am
(hug) I have no idea what to say, but know that I love you and I'm thinking of you. As for proof... The proof was in the reaction of your body, before and after the beginning of the miscarriage, and the knowledge of the established prior experience you've had with Vincent. The fact that John didn't experience it personally in no way negates the actuality. Remember that - and remember too, that it's probably a lot easier for him to deny conception than it is to face the fact that he may just have gotten his wish for your childlessness after the fact. My heart breaks for him too, in a way, because of that guilt and shame he would likely assign to himself if he were to admit the truth.
7/31/2013 04:15:10 pm
This really did give me comfort, Dom.
7/31/2013 02:45:13 pm
I was thinking about you (and praying too) while doing the dishes today, before I read this, and I thought, "Gina has to understand men are not like women. Many, many men just are not going to react the way we wish they would when something emotional happens. They often react by just ignoring it, hoping it will go away." You know, the whole, "Men Are From Mars" thing. So when I read this post I thought, wow, was that an inspiration? So I'm sharing it with you. I know you are hurting and you want to share this grief with John, and you want to be consoled by him, but he is not emotionally where you are, so that adds to your hurt. But this may be one of those really awful times in life when we experience the desolation we feel when those we love the most are not there for us in our suffering the way we need them. Instead, they rebuff us, or minimize the impact of the incident, and it is excruciating. It is Christ on the cross.
7/31/2013 04:13:29 pm
You are just so sweet, ya know that?
It sounds to me like you were pregnant and I think the naming is a good idea as well. But I do think it is a bit unfair to be upset if your husband doesn't believe you. First of all, he has nothing, absolutely nothing to suggest there was a baby except your description of how you felt. He has no pregnancy test, no blood test, no sonogram, nothing. Babies are never the same for a father as for a mother until they are born because the mother is, from the very beginning, in the most intimate relationship with her child whereas dad is removed, outside, unable to see, hear, and for many months feel anything relating to the existence of another person. Second, in your case you have the added complication that you want another baby but he does not. While I'm sure he loves you too much to imagine you would make up such a thing, he has reason to think you might have made yourself believe something because you wanted it to be true. So while you have all you have felt and experienced, all he has is someone who he loves telling him something she wanted but he didn't happened. I would also add, I don't know him, so maybe I'm wrong, but believing there was a baby could put him in a very difficult position. He didn't want another baby. So if he believes there was one, he would have to decide how he would feel about losing her. He would either have admit he wanted her and mourn her loss, in which case how could he continue to argue he didn't want another child or be relieved. You wanted her, so you mourn. If he didn't want another child, the logical result would be to be relieved at the end of the pregnancy and, from what you've told me, he sounds like a nice guy who wouldn't like himself for feeling that way about his own child. It is much, much easier for him to just believe there was no pregnancy.
7/31/2013 04:09:41 pm
8/2/2013 05:51:35 am
I stumbled on your blog today. My husband and I are infertile, and many years ago I was in a somewhat similar situation (early miscarriage or wacky period?). I feel your pain. My prayers are with you. Have you considered learning NFP? The Couple to Couple League has a home study course (http://ccli.org/productsservices/nfp-instruction/home-study-course.php). Charting your fertility signs can give you valuable insight in the future (knowing when and if you ovulated, etc.) which can take away a lot of uncertainty. May God be with you and your family.
8/2/2013 07:19:44 am
Welcome aboard, Anon.
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